Clues on Kids #001
Video Games: A Parent’s Best Friends
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| November 2007 |
If you let your kid (and some of you probably
do), I’ll bet he would sit in front of the TV or computer screen and blast mutant aliens, adventure to far away lands or score touchdowns
all day long. In fact in his ideal world, all he needs is a feeding trough and a catheter and he’d never have to leave the couch!
This is why video games can be your best friends.
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So, my kid’s X-Box is MY best friend? Don’t you mean my kid’s best friend? |
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No,
I mean YOUR best friend. If your kid loves video games, you are in luck. Video games can be the golden key to unlocking
the good behavior in your child. |
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Video games, used properly by parents, can send your kid on a quest to the kingdom of responsibility. There he can slay the dragon of laziness before returning home with the magic sword of good manners. |
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Wait a minute. I still
can’t even understand why she likes these stupid computer games! What’s the appeal? |
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Video games are exciting and fascinate kids
(and adults alike). Much like television and movies, video games bring players into an intriguing, imaginary universe to escape
the stresses of everyday life. |
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Another similarity between watching a show and playing a game is that they both give the watcher/player
a vehicle to experience extreme emotions in a safe way. Strong feelings such as fear, aggression, love, sorrow, etc. are difficult
to experience in society without being shunned or ostracized for them. Video games and television are more comfortable avenues
to do this. However, video games are even better. You know why? Because they are more interactive. Even better
than that, they give the gamer the feeling of power and control. |
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What do you mean by “power and control?” |
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Children are generally
not in positions of power and rarely in control… except when it comes to their parents. They will exert their power and control
over you if you let them. This is normal in that kids are constantly trying to define where their power begins and ends. It is your thankless and exhausting job to maintain those boundaries and to provide an appropriate structure for your unappreciative
and demanding children… which of course is also normal. |
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Now your kid has a game that allows him to be master of everything. He gets to be the best… the hero… the champion! And if he fails, all he has to do is reload his last saved game and try again
until he beats the world record in skate boarding a half-pipe… on the moon… while playing a guitar.
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So does that mean that the games
on my child’s Play Station can actually teach values that I like such as “determination” and “not giving up because something is hard?” |
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Possibly. There are several video games that actually promote what may generally be considered healthy and respectable values. Of course,
it’s up to you to determine what those values are and if they are what you want your child exposed to. |
| So maybe I should just let my
kid spend every waking moment collecting dinosaur eggs and building vast armies of destruction. |
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Probably not. Video games are
fine, but not at the expense of school, chores, social activities and family time. Moderation is also a healthy value to pass
down to your kid. |
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Well, how do I find that balance? All my kid wants to do is play video games. How do I get my kid off
of that machine to do his homework? |
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Great question! Remember that your child’s Nintendo Wii is your best friend. Video
games give you leverage with your kids. |
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Here are some clues on how to best use this leverage to help your child accept responsibility
when it comes to homework and chores: |
Set a limit on how much time your child can spend playing video games each day.
Tie the privilege
of video games to homework or chores.
- When homework is done video games can begin.
- For every 15 minutes of chores completed, 30 minutes
of video games are earned.
- For consistently good behavior throughout the week, grant bonus video game time.
Set down these rules with
due dates and times on a sticker chart to help both you
and your child be able to keep track of his progress.
Make these rules be
equal in importance to your child’s desire to play.
- If your waiver and don’t follow through, your kid will know that your rules
don’t mean anything.
- Consequently, neither one of you will get the benefit that video games can bring in offering structure for your
family.
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But I don’t know if I can make my child follow these rules. I know I shouldn’t but I always rely upon yelling and nagging
to make her behave. |
Lecturing or yelling at your child has never brought about a response remotely close to:
“I’m terribly sorry
Mother. I ever-so regret my transgression as it has brought about shame not only upon myself, but upon the entire family. I will henceforth endeavor to make you proud and abide by all of the rules that you have so wisely put forth.”
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Okay, maybe you’re right. But how do I get my child to say those words? |
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You don’t. Your child is just that… a child. Kids don’t have the same ability
to internalize values of responsibility and follow through as adults do.
Instead, let the video games do the lecturing
for you. Demonstrate the follow through that you want your kids to have. If you enforce appropriate boundaries, the privilege
of playing video games might be all the incentive your child needs to finish her homework or clean her room on time.
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But she
has a tantrum and gets so upset if I don’t let her play. How do I enforce these rules without hurting my child’s feelings?
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If
she doesn’t earn the privilege to play video games, you must have the strength to turn off the computer and suffer through a few tantrums. |
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It’s tough for parents to let their kids feel pain. However, your child must be able to experience pain like this in a safe
place. Disappointments only get worse as kids enter adolescence. It’s important for your child to experience not getting
her way all the time and learning to accept it. |
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If you stay calm, stick to your guns and can endure your child’s emotions, maybe
your child will eventually learn to accept the structure of having to live by your rules. Perhaps she’ll also learn to get her
homework done on time. |
| If you would like more information, please feel free to call for a complimentary phone consultation: |
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Kent Toussaint,
MA
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
HELPis@KentToussaint.com
(818) 983-7728 |
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Copyright 2006 - 2009, Kent Toussaint, MA MFT |
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