On the other hand, there are many other studies that find no direct connection between toy weapons and adverse behavior in children.  From my personal experience in working with children, I’m inclined to agree with this second group of studies. 

So if you feel that violent toys don’t create these problems, then why does my kid get so out of control when playing with these toys?

Let’s assume that you have already instructed your little space-warrior about the rules of playing with his toy blaster in a calm and direct manner.  Once you catch him chasing his sister through the living room while disintegrating her countless times with his imaginary arsenal of destruction, then calmly (yes, calmly) approach him.  Calmly get his attention to where you both are making uninterrupted eye contact.  Calmly inform him that he has broken the rule of pointing his sister-blaster at anything but toys and imaginary people (he may try to argue that his sister is imaginary, but try not to convince him otherwise… it will only embolden his conviction).  In a calm yet firm tone, inform your future savior of the universe that he has lost hisblasting privileges for thirty minutes.  Calmly take the toy and walk away.  Thirty minutes later, bring back the toy and calmly say something like, “It’s been thirty minutes so I’m giving you your toy back.  Are you ready to follow the rules and not point the gun at anyone?”  Most likely he’ll say, “Yes!” 

Did you notice a theme in the last paragraph?  Yes, the theme is calm.  Maintain your cool, responsible and adult demeanor.  Don’t confuse calmness with being a pushover. You can still be firm and project your authority without screaming. 

At least one of you needs to be the adult and in control. I guarantee you that your mighty space barbarian will not be able to consistently remain calm and poised when being disciplined. If you (the grown-up) stay calm, the conquering hero in question will better be able to accept this minor setback in his quest to destroy the alien hordes (or his sister).  However, if you match his emotional instability and start having a temper tantrum of your own, your kid won’t be able to think about his transgression because his focus will be on how scary you are.  He won’t learn the lesson and he’ll repeat the behavior over and over again.  You’ll get even angrier and scream even louder.  This locks you both in a perpetual cycle of destructive communication that wears both of you down.

Okay, I tried what you said and he did it again as soon as I turned my back!  I don’t think this “calm” thing is going to work!

Remember that it’s not about having strict rules that are difficult to enforce, it’s more effective to have rules that you are able to consistently enforce. Your steadiness in setting boundaries around violent toys will help your child learn self-restraint, self awareness and perhaps even empathy for siblings and friends.

War toys and games can be valuable assets for your child.  They can be very helpful tools for your child to experience and learn to regulate aggression in a safe way.  Aggression is a normal human emotion that we all have to deal with.  When childhood aggression is able to be experienced and focused with appropriate limits set by parents, it can lead to assertiveness and confidence in adult life.  A good example of healthy assertiveness is being self-assured enough to march into his manager’s office to ask for a much deserved raise.  When children are unable to master aggression, it can impel one towards uncontrollable anger or emotional paralysis as an adult because he was never taught properly how to handle these feelings.