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Clues on Kids #003
Table Manners: How to Tame the Savage Beast! | ||
| March 2008 | ||
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It’s gotten to the point that I just hate having dinner with my kids. I’m so tired of the constant fighting
just to get them to not eat like great white sharks during a feeding frenzy. | ||
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The difficulty around teaching table manners can often be attributed to the amount of pressure parents place not only on their children to be perfectly behaved, but also on themselves to enforce perfect behavior. | ||
Your child probably won’t conform to your sense of proper table etiquette from a few simple reminders. Children learn new skills from constant repetition. So if you want your dainty little girl to not hold her fork like the spear of an Amazon Warrior Princess, she will need to be taught and have to practice over and over and over again before she gets it right. | ||
But
why is it so hard for my kid to understand that he has to have polite behavior especially around meals? | ||
Civilized behavior is not natural. The only reason you cling to it so much is because you have been immersed in it your whole life and it now has become comfortable…
it probably wasn’t so easy for you when you were your child’s age. Your youngster is just beginning to experience these unnatural
and uncomfortable customs that you are thrusting upon him. | ||
Okay, I get that it’s hard for children to learn this stuff, but
how do I teach my boy table manners without it turning into World War III every night? | ||
First of all, take some of the pressure off yourself by adopting a more patient approach to teaching table manners. You are not going to civilize your 5-year-old Tarzan wannabe overnight. | ||
While polite eating is second nature to most (maybe just some) adults, learning table manners is a difficult change
for children to assimilate. Start slow and set your child up to succeed. | ||
What do you mean by, “Set my child up to succeed?” | ||
There are probably a hundred bad habits that your child has around eating that drive you nuts. You can’t correct them all at
once. Pick one to three specific behaviors that you would like to address and focus on those for a month. By the way,
a specific behavior is not “Eat better!” The more clear you are in your expectations, the easier time your savage beast will
have in following your lead. Here are some suggestions of precise behaviors you may want to address: | ||
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The list goes on and on, but you get the idea. To start, pick behaviors that you really think are easy for your kid to master (not what should be easy, what really will be easy). Again, address no more than three manners that you want to change. If you think that will be too much, use two or just one to start; you can always add more later. | ||
I already know my three "good manners"
that I want to teach. How do I do it? | ||
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I encourage you to have at least one sit down family dinner every week. If you can swing it, pull down the good dishes and get everybody a little more dressed up than usual. Make this a fun event to look forward to. The more fun you make dinner for your kids, the less angry and miserable you will be. | ||
| Get an easel and place it near your table at dinner time. Create a poster with your children and list the three good manners that the family is trying to improve on (if your children are just learning to read, add pictures to help). Let them decorate it how they like. This way, they will be more vested in the whole process. Now I know what you’re thinking. Don’t worry, the long term benefits of your children learning table manners dramatically outweighs the invasion of this unfashionable easel and poster… no matter how mismatched it is with your perfectly picked out décor. | ||
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Now during dinner, instead of nagging your kids to follow the three table manners, praise them for doing well. Do this often and allow your kids to praise each other and even you for chewing with your mouth closed. That’s right, if you want them to evolve into human beings before your eyes, you’ll have to walk the walk right out in front, so make sure that your own manners are up to snuff. | ||
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You may even want to devise a behavioral sticker chart to keep track of how well they do. The stickers should lead to an appropriate reward that night (e.g. later bed time, more TV/video game time, dessert, etc.). Shy away from using weekly or monthly rewards for sticker charts as children have a difficult time connecting the present to the future the way adults do. | ||
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After a month of steady success, add one more manner to the list. After another month of success, add another
and so on until your kid turns into a regular Eliza Doolittle from My Fair Lady (or Pygmalion for you theatre junkies). | ||
| If you
would like more information, please feel free to call for a complimentary phone consultation: | ||
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Kent Toussaint, MA Licensed Marriage
and Family Therapist (818) 983-7728 | ||
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Copyright 2006 - 2009, Kent Toussaint, MA MFT | ||
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