Kent Toussaint, MA MFT - Clues on Kids #004

Clues on Kids #004

When Siblings Attack!

May 2008

It is dusk as the predator stalks his prey. He can hear the hapless trampling footsteps of his intended victim coming down the path. He crouches down silently, ready to pounce. The prey unwittingly wanders directly in front of the menacing predator’s lair and then…

The predator aggressively leaps out of his burrow and punches his big sister in the shoulder while screaming, “Stay out of my room, Fart-Face!” Survival instincts kick in and the prey violently pushes her little brother down on the ground back in to his room (which happens to be a complete mess, of course) and shrieks, “You can’t tell me what to do, Butt-Brain!” This battle for dominance continues to escalate until you, the largest (and now angriest) of the species bursts on to the scene and bellow mightily, “STOP IT, BOTH OF YOU!” Then, like the savage, enraged creature you are… you devour them both with the peace of mind that you will never have to stop them from arguing or be confronted with a messy room ever again.

The fantasy of devouring your young to bring peace to your home may have its merits. However, it may be a bit short sighted along with being astoundingly illegal.

I don’t get it. They know it drives me crazy! Why do they insist on fighting all the time?

It’s actually fairly normal for siblings to fight and argue. It helps them learn social skills such as how to disagree and compromise in a mature manner when they are adults. The problem for you is… they aren’t adults yet and they don’t do these things very well. This easily can drive a parent crazy. However, if you can accept that your child is just that… a child, and not very good at dealing with conflict, you might be able to put yourself in a position to help her learn from these barbaric exchanges.

But it seems that they argue all the time. I am constantly getting in the middle and I can’t take it anymore!

Then don’t. Don’t take it anymore. Stop intervening.

This may be hard to grasp but, often children fight because it gets your extremely undivided concentration. It may be negative attention, but your little youngsters’ unconscious brains don’t care as long as you are focused on them.

When your kids argue, let them figure it out on their own. Unless you feel that there really is the danger of physical or emotional abuse, let them bicker.

I can’t do that. They’ll kill each other! And if they don’t kill each other, they yell at one another until the end of time. I can’t live like that.

Nor should you have to live like that. I am not suggesting that you surrender to their chaotic hurricanes of fury. Let them squabble but within a set of boundaries.

For example, instead of trying to stop them from arguing and being mean to one another (a fruitless attempt), enforce the rule of No Yelling in the House. You may give a warning or two, but by the third time you hear yelling, implement appropriate consequences for both kids. Perhaps a short timeout, a temporary removal of a toy or a slightly earlier bed time might do the trick.

You can't stop your kids from fighting, but you can make them obey the rules of the house.

If I do that, they will both blame the other one and force me to choose who is at fault.

It really doesn’t matter who’s at fault. If they are both hollering, they are both breaking the rules regardless of who started it. Besides, picking sides will only make your kids more resentful and feel victimized.

Now, if it is plainly obvious that one is initiating the conflict and is truly being malicious, it is fine to deal with that child individually. On the other hand, theinnocent child may not be as angelic as you think.

Imagine this scenario. A family of four (two parents, a 10-year-old brother and an 8-year-old sister) are at dinner. The sister keeps complaining that her brother who is seated across from her keeps kicking her under the table. Of course the brother plays the blameless, naïve sibling. This pattern continues and the brother keeps getting scolded and scowled at by his parents, but still the brother seems confused and frustrated by these turn of events. Finally, one parent gets the idea to look down at the sister’s legs. Low and behold, that parent witnesses the sister stretching her left leg straight out in front of her so when her brother shifts in his seat, his leg brushes up against hers, causing her to belt out a dramatic cry of injustice and outrage that he would so boldly kick her yet again.

This is a true story and I’ll bet that similar deceitful acts also take place in your family from time to time. So don’t be too eager to pass judgment on who is innocent and who is guilty. You are perhaps being hoodwinked by your very intelligent con-artist-child.

Shouldn’t I try to teach them better communication skills?

Absolutely. However, at the time of the fight, your kids may not be so open to accepting your wise words of compassion. Sometimes, waiting for emotions to calm down is a better time to talk about effective ways to express oneself.

Let your kids know that you enjoy them and they will feel less anxiety and fight less.

Probably the best way to teach your children how to approach conflict is by setting the example yourself. Do you practice what you preach when you and your spouse disagree? How about when you become angry with your kids, do you treat them with respect and compassion? Do you still maintain your dignity and set appropriate boundaries, even when your kids push you to the brink? If you can answer yes to these difficult questions, then you are well on your way to teaching your children healthy and responsible methods to express anger and resolve conflict.

Last but not least; spend time with your kids and help them feel like you not only see and

hear them, but enjoy being around them. A sense of safety and love at home can go a long way to help your children share positive feelings and get along with one another.

If you would like more information, please feel free to call for a complimentary phone consultation:

Kent Toussaint, MA

Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

HELPis@KentToussaint.com

(818) 983-7728

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