Kent Toussaint, MA MFT - Clues on Kids #005

Clues on Kids #005

“But, It’s Not Fair!”

July 2008

Do you remember how unfair your parents were when you were a kid? Do you remember that day as a child with tears steaming down your face when you first took that solemn vow to never be as mean and asunfair as your mom and dad?

Oh, yes. I remember. I swore to all that was good in the world with my fist raised to the heavens that I would be fair and merciful with my future children… so why am I having such a hard time fulfilling my oath?

In short, because you are a parent and your child is… a child. You might be falling into the trap of measuring your fairness by how your offspring perceive it. The two of you view fairness quite differently. Your perception of justice in regards to your kids is at a much different angle than theirs. It has to be.

I’m not sure I understand. What is the “angle” that my kid sees fairness?

First, take note that your child’s brain is not as developed as yours. Consequently, his ability to have a full and rich understanding of all the variables that are affected by his actions is impaired. This doesn’t mean that he is a bad or stupid child. On the contrary, his brain is most likely functioning properly. However, he is still growing and not ready to have the responsibility of reacting or behaving like a mature adult.

Therefore, his view of fairness is probably filtered through the belief that he should pretty much always get what he wants. It takes a long time to appreciate the need for boundaries and self control… about twenty-three years give or take. There are even those who grow into adulthood and never grasp this concept (perhaps a topic for another time).

Why would my kid think that she should get everything she wants?

The best reason is because she cannot see the downside to getting her way. She can’t fathom any good rationale for why she shouldn’t be allowed to stay up until 3:00am watching sexy R-rated music videos and eating a half-gallon of melting Rocky Road ice cream on your brand new couch. What could go wrong? After all, every one of her friends’ parents allow it. You’re so unfair!

From your child’s perspective, she feels that she is more than capable of determining what is appropriate for her. She is convinced that her wellbeing is satisfied by achieving happiness no matter what form that takes.

Why can’t my kid see that just because something makes him happy that it may not be good for him?

Your child is still recovering from infancy. You are too, but you have more experience in your recovery. Infancy sets us all up for disappointment. Infancy is a time when we have omnipotent power. Practically everything we wish for is granted to us. For example, when your kid was a baby, he was fed when he got hungry, cleaned when wet, put to bed when he was tired and so on. Whatever you baby could wish for, it was delivered to him… most likely by you.

Now however, your child is no longer an infant… he’s a kid. Being a kid is tough because he’s still dependant upon you for all his needs, but now his wishes are far more grandiose than a few years back. Many of those desires are not appropriate. Those desperate yearnings such as later bed times, less chores, more cookies, and jumping the skateboard off the roof and into the pool are shockingly… normal.

Normal? How could those crazy ideas be “normal?”

They are normal because your kid’s brain is not developed enough to always know where to draw the lines separating appropriate behavior and inappropriate behavior. She needs your help in calmly yet firmly setting those boundaries, so by the time she reaches adulthood, she will have learned the difference.

Well if he needs my help, why does he fight me so much when I try to “help” him see the difference?

Like I said before, he still yearns for the omnipotent powers he had as an infant and if he can bully or manipulate you into giving in to his whims, he gets rewarded with instant gratification. However, instant gratification is probably not what he really needs. He’s not aware of it, but what he really craves is some compassionate and solid structure for him to exist in.

Since he doesn’t realize that these boundaries are best for him, when you set a limit that prevents his immediate happiness, you become… unfair. In reality, you really are being fair in making him go to bed on time because he needs his ten hours of sleep or he won’t be able to focus at summer camp the next day.

Just because he can’t see the fairness, doesn’t mean that it’s not there. If you base your choices and interactions with your kids on how they perceive fairness, you’ll end up teaching your kids to walk all over you. Your kids will get straight A’s in that subject and by the time they’re teenagers… look out!

Okay but how do I get my kids to understand that I really am being fair so we don’t keep arguing?

Your job is not to convince them that you’re being fair. After all, you’ll never succeed at that. Your job is to set the rules and stick to them. There is not a person living or that ever has lived who had a fair parent. Most of the time, you’re not going to convince your kids that your rules are fair. Sometimes you’ll get lucky and they will get it, but don’t count on it.

Just be the best parent that you can be. Try some of these clues to guide your way:

· Think through your house rules before declaring them.

· Don’t make your house rules impossible for your kids to follow or for you to implement.

· Enforce your rules with compassion and without shame or vengeance.

· Calmly explain your decisions at an age appropriate level.

· Avoid repeating yourself in a desperate attempt to help your kids understand.

· Admit when you make a mistake and set the example on how to give a sincere apology even though they can’t reciprocate it yet.

That’s really hard to do. It sounds like you are asking me to be a perfect parent.

Not at all. I promise you that you’re going to make many mistakes. That’s okay. It’s generally not about how many mistakes you make as a parent; it’s more often about how you take responsibility for those mistakes and how you set the example for your kids… especially when they don’t follow.

Remember that you are not alone in wanting to be fair and accepted by your kids. Most parents want that. Just like you want your kids to see the bigger picture, you not only need to see it, but also lead the way toward that bigger picture. Often saying “no” is the most fair word you can say to help your child grow into a healthy adult.

If you would like more information, please feel free to call for a complimentary phone consultation:

Kent Toussaint, MA

Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

HELPis@KentToussaint.com

(818) 983-7728

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