Kent Toussaint, MA MFT - Clues on Kids #006

Clues on Kids #006

Puberty… It’s Closer than You Think

September 2008

That’s right, Mom and Dad. Your darling little angel is inevitably going to go through puberty and never be the same again. It’s time to start talking and educating your child now before it gets any more difficult.

But puberty is a teenage issue. They don’t call it “prepubescence” for nothing. My eight-year-old isn’t ready to know about such things.

On the contrary, puberty often starts before the ripe old age of thirteen, sometimes even as young as eight or nine. Your children are more ready for this information than you think. They are not only curious because they are exposed to sex and

sexuality everyday at school and in the media, but it is also very normal for all youth to be curious about their bodies and how they work.

My seven-year-old daughter isn’t curious about this stuff, she never even mentions it. Why should I force this knowledge on her?

She may be very interested in how her body is going to transform into a teenager and how babies are made, but might be too uncomfortable to address it with you. Perhaps she senses your discomfort and is afraid to broach the subject.

Good! I don’t want her to know until she’s thirty!

While that’s a very common sentiment, it’s not very practical or fair to your child. Besides, you don’t want to wait until she’s a teenager for this talk about the facts of life. Try to imagine talking about sex to a thirteen-year-old. Imagine it: she thinks you’re dumb and embarrassing and what you’re talking about is totally gross. For you, the whole idea of the dreaded talk will be so daunting that it will more than likely just get skipped altogether. Then consider who your kid is left to learn about puberty and sex… her idiotic friends whom you can’t stand and don’t know diddly-poop about anything. Taking it to the next step, if you haven’t prepared your little girl for menstruation before her first period, you could be creating a time bomb of unnecessary fear and panic for her.

Well, my son doesn’t have periods.

You’re right. Your son doesn’t have menstruation cycles… but he should learn about them. Just like girls should be educated about erections and wet dreams. Yes, you read it correctly. These bodily functions are as normal as eating and sleeping. It is important that kids know both sides of puberty so they know that they are not alone going through these changes regardless of their gender.

So, while your son may not have Aunt Flow visit him every month, those wet dreams may make him feel very weird or somehow his body is wrong or bad for having these unusual sensations if left uneducated. A little nurturing and helpful guidance from you just might strengthen his self-esteem through this confusing time.

But if I teach my kids about how babies are made and all the other stuff, they might start experimenting with sex and I definitely don’t want that!

A common misconception is that kids will start sexually experimenting with other children if you let them in on the big secret of how their bodies work. Get ready for the big surprise… it generally creates the opposite effect. Assuming that there is no history of abuse, often it is the mystery of the sexual feelings and sensations that drive children to play doctor. Generally, when kids understand the feelings they are having and the stronger feelings to come, they postpone experimentation until later on.

Alright, well if I’m going to help my kid through puberty, how do I do it?

The easiest way is usually to look at a book together. There are many books for children about puberty. Why not go to your local book store and find one or two that feel comfortable for you? Here are a few suggestions to start with:

It's Perfectly Normal: Changing Bodies, Growing Up, Sex, and Sexual Health
– by Robie H. Harris
How are Babies Made?
– by Alastair Smith
The Care & Keeping of You:
The Body Book for Girls
– by Valorie Lee Schaefer

Familiarize yourself with the book you choose before sharing it with your child.

How do I start approaching my kid about puberty and sex without scaring her?

If you’re already in the habit of reading with your child, you’re way ahead of the game. Simply state that you got a new book that you think she’s really going to enjoy. Try not to be too attached to her eagerness to learn this new information. If you want it too much, you’ll put too much pressure on her and she’ll reject you and the book forever. If she’s not ready for it, set it aside and read something else. Leave the book in her room however. You may be surprised to see her reading it when she thinks you’re not looking. Don’t be afraid to revisit the book later on. If she’s still apprehensive, give a simple reassurance that her nervousness is normal; and also reminder her that curiosity is also normal.

When should I start talking to my kids about puberty and sex?

Most likely they’ll cue you. It’s very common for a three or four-year-old to ask, “Where do babies come from?” Start the conversation then, and over the years expand their knowledge little by little so by the time puberty hits, they’ll be prepared. Explaining thebirds & bees to a small child is much easier than to a teen because your little kid doesn’t have the baggage or embarrassment attached to the subject that teens and adults do. If you approach it with comfort and ease it will be as frightening as teaching your child how… bees pollinate flowers. That’s why it’s called the birds & bees. Because that’s how simple and stress free it should be.

Just remember to relax and have fun. The less uptight and more fun this experience is, the more likely your child will feel comfortable looking to you for guidance regarding puberty and sex when it really counts.

If you would like more information, please feel free to call for a complimentary phone consultation:

Kent Toussaint, MA

Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

HELPis@KentToussaint.com

(818) 983-7728

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