Kent Toussaint, MA MFT - Clues on Kids #007

Clues on Kids #007

Coping with the Inevitable Schoolyard Bully

November 2008

You were dreading it from the first day you sent him off to school… and then it happened. Your child got picked on, mercilessly teased or bullied by some kids on the playground. It’s like it’s happening all over again!

When I discovered that my kid was being bullied, I was enraged. I wanted to throttle those mean kids. Does that make me some kind of nut-case?

Not at all. It’s pretty normal actually. Most of us have had to suffer bullying in our lives to some extent or another and never felt like we received proper justice or closure. Therefore all of the fantasies of vengeance and comeuppance toward those who harassed us never really went away. Those dreams of retribution were laying dormant, waiting for their moments of glory… until now!

When your child is being bullied, it triggers all those unresolved feelings, but now you are big and strong enough to take action. Yet, grabbing the bully by the shirt collar and throwing her up against the wall with threats of ripping her arms off may not be the best plan.

Well, I’ve got to do something. How am I supposed to protect my child from being intimidated and hurt?

Remember to stay calm. If you get hysterical, it scares your kid even more than he already is. In fact, one of the reasons many kids are afraid to tell parents and teachers about bullying is because of the harsh response from those adults.

But my anger is focused on the bullies, not my innocent little kid. Doesn’t she know the difference?

Not always. A parent’s powerful display of anger or disappointment can be very scary to youngsters whether it is directed toward them or not. Children often feel guilty and embarrassed by their parents’ strong responses because they feel it is their own fault for being too weak and helpless to stand up for themselves.

Then, how am I supposed to react when I find out my child has been physically or emotionally abused by other kids?

Bear in mind that your kid is probably feeling vulnerable and scared. On top of that, he’s feeling ashamed for reacting that way. Just like an adult, your little tyke needs to know that his feelings, no matter how painful they may be, are valid. Perhaps the best way you can do that is by hugging your child, telling him that you love him and be an active listener.

What? Sit there and just listen? That’s your big suggestion? What’s that supposed to do?

Quite a bit actually. If you rush in with your super-hero cape trying to save the day, more than likely she will reject any solutions you come with because she will feel embarrassed. First, take the time to reassure her that she is safe and secure.

Once your child feels safe to talk about this with you, encourage her to talk about how it makes her feel. Let her express her anger and fantasize about how she would like to rectify the situation. After she’s feeling better from your tender-loving-care, she’ll be more open to your advice and discuss appropriate responses. This will help her deal with the bully issue more confidently.

Okay, so once she’s calmed down, that’s when I find the parents of the bully and give them a piece of my mind?

Approaching this situation from a place of anger or vengeance is replicating the behavior of the bully… not a good example for your kid. That’s what bullies do; they impose their bad feelings on to others to make themselves feel better. Even if your intentions are peaceful and well intentioned, how well will those other parents take your complaints about their kid? This could lead to a nasty confrontation between adults… and adults can be far more sadistic bullies than youngsters.

Yeah, but if I go to the school administration, what will they do? They are a slow moving bureaucracy with too many kids to deal with!

Some school administrations are better than others, give them a shot. Contact the appropriate school official and explain the situation… calmly. If you come across like you are out for blood, they may be wary of helping you. If they’re not addressing the situation properly, feel free to apply more pressure. Just like you teach your kids, remember to use your polite indoor voice to see if it works first.

It is possible that the school is already aware that the bully is a problem and is taking steps to deal with the situation. Ultimately, notifying school officials (or law enforcement if the situation warrants it) and requesting their assistance is your best bet in extinguishing future flair ups. Give them a chance before grabbing a torch and sharpening your pitchfork.

I don’t want my kid to shy away from a bully. How do I teach him that the best way to deal with a bully is to fight back and stop being a sissy?

Fighting back is not as easy as it seems. If it was that easy, he’d have already done it. After all it’s hard to stand up for yourself when you are scared to the point of paralysis. Your kid’s fears can come from worries of getting in trouble, making things worse by standing up for himself and inviting more humiliation, getting the snot beat out of him by bigger-tougher kids, etc.

So what should my kid do if she’s getting picked on and bullied?

The best advice you can give is, “Don’t keep it a secret and tell a trusted adult.” Whether that is you, a teacher or whomever; it helps to have an adult who she feels safe to talk to. That grown-up can use all of his or her adult maturity to address the situation calmly and appropriately to bring about a remedy in the best way possible.

But I don’t want him to always be scared! I think that’s why he’s getting tormented.

Telling your child not to be scared is as realistic as expecting you not to worry about your kid being scared. If you’re troubled by your kid’s lack of confidence, try to enroll him into activities that enrich his self-esteem. Whether it be organized sports, martial arts, scouts, theater or any other social outlet; find something that your child looks forward to doing and is able to develop stronger social skills through

healthy peer interaction. Stronger social skills can help him make healthier friendships, thus improving his self-confidence.

The more confidence he has, the less likely your child will be targeted by tormenters. If he is picked on however, your kid will be better prepared to stand up for himself… and finally, you can let go of those old anxieties of being thrown into a trashcan.

If you would like more information, please feel free to call for a complimentary phone consultation:

Kent Toussaint, MA

Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

HELPis@KentToussaint.com

(818) 983-7728

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