Kent Toussaint, MA MFT - Clues on Kids #009

Clues on Kids #009

Grocery Store Temper Tantrums

May 2009

There you are in the middle of the grocery store, minding your own business while examining the nutritional values on a new box of healthy cereal. All of a sudden your concentration is obliterated by your child’s loud and angry demands for a very colorful box of Sergeant Silly’s Sugar Silo Cereal, with even 30% more caffeine and MSG! Your look of incredulous surprise while you say, “No, you can’t have that,” only seems to enrage your child even further. Then it happens… the loudest banshee-like screams anyone in human history has ever heard are now coming from your kid’s mouth, and everyone in the store seems to be looking at you as if they were thinking, “That horrible, mean and out of control parent!”

It’s one thing for my kid to have a tantrum at home, but in public I feel that if I don’t give her what she wants, she’ll have a huge meltdown and everyone will judge me! It’s so embarrassing.

Yes, when your kid loses control and has angry outbursts in public, everyone around is going to take notice, it’s impossible not to. However, that judgment may be coming less from those strangers and more from your own insecurity.

No, I see those people all glaring at me as if it’s all my fault. They could never understand what my kid puts me through.

Anyone who has had kids, has struggled through this situation to some extent. More than likely most of those onlookers are probably thinking, “Oh that poor man. I hate it when my kids do that.” Others, who have no empathy either have never been parents and just don’t get it or have simply forgotten what it’s like parenting little kids. Who cares what they think?

So the first clue to dealing with public paroxysm is to let go of any need to appear perfect to strangers. No matter how old your kids are, they will always find ways to embarrass you, especially in public. If you think your eight-year-old embarrasses you now, just wait until he’s fifteen… you ain’t seen nothin’ yet!

If I had an outburst like my kid when I was that age, I would have been backhanded so hard that I would have woken up in the produce aisle. I don’t want to do that… do I?

No, you’re right; you don’t want to do that. Reacting violently to your child is only going to make matters worse… especially in public. By smacking her around, you – the parent are showing her that when you feel out of control, you need to use violence and intimidation to regain a semblance of power and that it is appropriate. More than likely, any screaming, lecturing, hitting or any other form of oppressive behavior by you will only enflame your kid’s outburst and make you feel even more out of control.

So am I supposed to just give him what he wants to shut him up?

No, you don’t want to do that either as that will just teach him how to control you. If you continue to reward his explosive behavior, he’ll hone that skill and become a master of intimidation and manipulation when it comes to getting what he wants from you.

Then what should I do to shut the mighty flood gates that are my kid’s tearful tantrums?

More than likely he’s bored and irritated following you around the store with nothing to do. One option is to plan ahead by informing your child in a respectful and non-threatening voice what your expectations are for your shopping trip. Let him know that you will only be buying items on your list and nothing else. However, you do need his help in finding and picking out the items. If his job is to locate the 16 oz. package of organic brown rice, he may be more inclined to play this game instead of the let’s make Mommy scream game. You can even offer the extra incentive of a reward (not a bribe) for good behavior if he behaves well. After all, he’s still learning and that modest reward may be just the trick to help your little tyke learn good behavior. With your child’s involvement, your trip to the store may take a little longer, but you both will be much happier.

I’ve tried that and my kid still goes crazy every time at the store. What then?

Often these tantrums are cries for attention. If the tantrum is indeed a form of entertainment and stimulation for her, an effective way to handle this is to completely ignore her while she lies in the middle of the store aisle pounding her fists into the ground and screaming about how unfair you are. Very nonchalantly push your shopping cart away from your little erupting volcano. Sooner or later she’ll realize that mommy is unaffected by her tactic and she’ll hop up and run to catch up with you while wiping the tears from her cheeks. Remember, just because your child is an emotional wreck for not getting chocolate-chip-cookies, doesn’t mean that you also have to lose your peace of mind.

Peace of mind! How in the heck am I supposed to keep cool while my kid is
blowing up?

Well, one of you needs to be the adult in that situation, and it’s not going to be your six-year-old son. He simply cannot destroy your composure unless you let him. You have all the power, and he needs you to exercise it in a mature way so he has a role model to emulate.

But what if my child gets violent and starts throwing jars of tomato sauce?

To the best of your ability, calmly yet firmly guide your child out of the store leaving your shopping cart where it is. Don’t pay attention to the gawking onlookers because as you remember, you don’t care what they think anymore. If she’s still out of control, hold her gently and securely even if she struggles against you. This may be done in your car or not, whichever is more comfortable. In a soft and soothing voice tell your child that she’s out of control and you are going to help her calm down. In a comforting manner, let her know that you won’t let her hurt you, herself or anyone else and that you are going to hold her and keep her safe until she can do it by herself.

She’s going to fight you on this and test your resolve which after a long day is probably shaky at best. Remember, she can’t calm down if you’re not leading the way with all your compassion, patience and equanimity. I know it’s not easy to do, but this is your opportunity to show her that you are strong enough to take care of her… especially when she can’t do it herself. Eventually, she’ll wear herself out and both of you will feel better. You’ll feel well because you kept your composure and didn’t lose your cool. While your child may not be able to articulate it, she’ll feel good because you are still the big-strong-fearless parent that keeps her safe and loved each and every day.

If you would like more information, please feel free to call for a complimentary phone consultation:

Kent Toussaint, MA

Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

HELPis@KentToussaint.com

(818) 983-7728

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