What?  You want me to take even more time out of my already jam-packed day to supervise this kitchen-catastrophe?

In the beginning, yes.  That’s why you start teaching her now in August before school starts.  The earlier you start, the quicker your kid will catch on and buy into the routine. 

When you first start this exercise in personal growth, be prepared for her to be distracted, clumsy, slow and incredibly messy.  However, if you can be patient, supportive and make it a fun experience, she will more than likely be ready to take over on her own within a few weeks to a month.  While you will be investing extra time in the beginning of this process, it will save you much more time in the future. 

My little man has enough to worry about with school.  That’s his job.  Won’t this extra responsibility put too much pressure on him?

Well, if you want your little man to one day grow up into a big man he’ll have to eventually learn how to take care of himself.  Learning his A-B-C’s and 1-2-3’s is not his only job.  He also must learn things like social skills, awareness of his surroundings and most importantly, self-reliance. 

For most kids, making a school lunch the night before is not an overwhelming task if taught by parents who can be patient, nurturing and set the appropriate rules for kitchen etiquette (i.e. how to handle a knife, how to clean and how to put things away).  Not only is this important for developing a healthy autonomy for your child, but you could also use this time to teach the importance of knowing how to fix a well balanced meal.

Think of it this way, would you rather your child start the growing pains of self-sufficiency at age six or sixteen?  For those of you with teenagers, this is an all too easy question to answer.  Learning the fine art of peanut-butter spreading takes time to master no matter how old you are.  Once he gets into college, wouldn’t it be comforting to know that he isn’t eating instant mac & cheese three meals a day?

Suppose that I was brave enough to take on this harrowing mission to help my child make her own lunch.  How do I teach her without it turning into a kitchen-calamity? 

While this sounds like an incredibly easy task, it isn’t if you’re a child who has never done it before.  Therefore, be sure to praise her generously for all her little successes.  This will keep her excited and engaged even when she makes mistakes.  After several days of mastering one complete meal, help her learn another and repeat the cycle.  After a while, she’ll know at least five different lunches to prepare… one for each day of the week so she gets to enjoy some variety. 

Okay, let’s say my kid starts making his lunch for school and he seems to be doing well.  Then one day, he forgets or just doesn’t want to do it?

It’s not “if” he forgets, it is “when” he forgets, because he will.  Don’t let this catch you off guard.  To use a recent quote from the President, it is a “… teachable moment”.  WHEN your little man (assuming your kid doesn’t have any medical conditions that would contradict this advice) unintentionally or intentionally doesn’t make or bring his lunch to school, let him deal with the natural consequences that come with being empty-handed at lunchtime.

But that’s sheer barbarism!  I can’t just stand by and let my perfect little treasure suffer so! 

Yes, you can (unless your child suffers from something like diabetes).  If you take time off from work to go home, fix her a lunch and bring it to school, she might start to rely on you bailing her out day after day.  Hence you will help undo all the practice she’s had developing her self-reliance.  On top of all that, whenever she is feeling lazy (which she may get used to feeling the older she gets), all she has to do is “forget” her lunch and you’ll ruin your whole day to rescue her from dealing with her own responsibilities.  You’ll be setting yourself up to resent your child and open the door to an ugly array of bitter arguments that could have been avoided by not saving her.

However, I do urge you to help her create a routine the night before with some checks and balances that you are involved in to help her stay on schedule in making her lunch.  This may involve gentle reminders, a daily job chart and appropriate rewards to help set her up for success.  Nevertheless, no matter how structured you keep her, she’s still only human, and inevitably she will either forget or choose not to bring her lunch to school.

More than likely, your child’s school has a program where they serve a school lunch to any child who forgets to bring it and then request payment from the parents later on.  In this situation, be prepared to enforce an appropriate consequence where she earns the money spent on her lunch.  If your school does not have such a program, not to worry… most children will not have any lasting physical or psychological effects from skipping one lunch.  On the other hand, one hungry day at school could be the teachable moment for her to realize that if she wants to eat lunch at school and not be hungry, she’s going to have to take ten minutes the night before to put it together and then remember to bring it.

So what are the benefits for teaching my child self-reliance through peanut-butter and jelly?

Obviously, making one’s own lunch is just one early step in the never-ending journey of independence.  Yet, it is an important one for down the road when your child is sixteen and is home by himself for dinner.  Do you really want to have to worry about him burning the cold-cuts… again!

Kent Toussaint, MA

Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

HELPis@KentToussaint.com

(818) 983-7728

Copyright 2007 - 2009, Kent Toussaint, MA MFT