|
Clues on Kids #011
When Kid Trouble Turns Into Couple Trouble
|
| This month's Clues on Kids is written by guest writer, Barbara Calvi,
M.A. M.F.T. She is a friend and colleague of mine who specializes in working with couples. |
| October 2009 |
|
Sometimes
it might seem that everything would be just dandy in your marriage if only first grade Johnny wasn’t so fond of hitting his classmates
when he was frustrated or if only fifteen year old Caitlin wasn’t suddenly getting such poor grades and hanging out with the wrong
crowd. Often good or even great marriages stumble around parenting issues. This is especially true if one of the children concerned
is having more than just run of the mill kid difficulties. |
|
There are several reasons: First, we tend to parent the way we were
parented. In some cases, people decide to parent by making the conscious decision to do the opposite of what their parents did. |
|
Second,
it is possible that you and your spouse were parented differently. You may have different frames of reference for what is “normal”
or the “right” way. |
|
|
Third, your family culture can influence how you parent, as well. Some families are loud and more
chaotic (often if there are more children) others quiet and orderly.
Fourth, if your child’s problems resonate too closely to
issues you struggled with in childhood or with a sibling of yours you may have a stronger reaction than your spouse. |
|
|
If this is familiar
to you read on and discover how to overcome parenting conflicts with your spouse. |
-
If your partner is addressing a discipline issue
with your child and you disagree, bite your lip. However they are handling it will probably be better for the situation than
if you publicly dissent. Later, alone, calmly discuss your differences, and how you would prefer to handle things next time. Unless its a safety or abuse issue you do more damage to your own effectiveness as a parent and to your child’s sense of security
by disagreeing or fighting in front of him or her
-
If there is a specific ongoing discipline issue don’t wait until
the acting out happens. Instead, sit down and talk about your child’s behavior at a moment when your are both calm.
-
When
discussing discipline issues, start with a few deep breaths, get centered, and remind yourselves that though you may have different
opinions you are BOTH focused on your child’s well-being. Assume your partner is as well intentioned as you are.
-
When
your partner is speaking, just listen. Avoid interrupting, arguing the point and rebutting. If necessary take deep breaths and
focus on what your partner is saying. Approach your partner with an open curiosity. Ask your partner to expand on their point
of view and ask what about their position holds meaning for them and why. This will help you develop more understanding of your partner’s
perspective.
-
When they are done speaking, briefly summarize back to them the essence of what they said. This
lets them know you were really listening. Your spouse will feel more respected.
-
Tell your partner you’d like
to share your point of view. As you give your perspective avoid any cutting remarks or negative statements about your partner’s
perspective or ideas. Also talk about why your ideas are meaningful to you. This helps your partner gain a better
understanding of your point of view.
-
Discuss your own childhood discipline/parenting experiences and what you felt
was useful and what you felt was hurtful. Identify what you want to avoid and what you want to replicate and why.
-
Discuss
your general goals and values about raising this child. What is the kind of person you want to raise and what characteristics
would you like him/her to embody.
-
Come back to the present and discuss the specific problems occurring right now and
what steps you each see would move your child in the right direction. Agree to certain steps (remember you may have to compromise). Agree to revisit your plan in a few weeks to assess the effectiveness of your plan. Make changes if necessary. This is
where you may try the other partner’s method or a combination of both.
|
|
Does this sound like a lot of work? It does take some
work in the beginning and in the long run it will save you work. Once you and your spouse feel like you are a team disciplining
and teaching a child becomes much easier. It makes a big difference when you feel supported and you are not feeling alone or,
worse yet, trying to fight against the tide. It may take an initial concerted effort but it becomes easier as the two of you
gain experience being a team in this matter.
|
|
|
|
As a couple’s therapist I often see marriages falter, a little or a lot, with parenting
issues. I have seen this plan work repeatedly not only to help curb and often transform discipline problems but to bring couples
closer together, as well. |
|
For more information on transforming your relationship into the marriage you long for or for a consultation
contact:
Barbara Calvi, M.A. M.F.T.
Relationship Coach
(818) 725-4419
www.Beatthemarriageodds.com |
| If you have any further questions, please
feel free to call for a complimentary phone consultation: |
|
Kent Toussaint, MA
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
HELPis@KentToussaint.com
(818)
983-7728 |
|
|
|
Copyright 2007 - 2010, Kent Toussaint, MA MFT |
|
|
|
