Kent Toussaint, MA MFT - Clues on Kids #012

Clues on Kids #012

Positive Direction vs. Negative Criticism

December 2009

Stop chasing your little sister!

Don’t you use that disrespectful tone of voice with me!

Hey Stupid! Quit poking that grizzly bear with my putting iron!!

The preceding phrases may often be heard in the typical American home. Kids constantly create chaos, and they need parents to step in and maintain some semblance of order in the house. Unfortunately, moms and dads are getting weary of nagging and criticizing their kids all day, every day, all the time.

I can’t stand it anymore. It feels like the only things I ever say to my kid are, “Stop this…” or “Quit that…” Even I’m sick of me. Isn’t there a better way?

Did you know that an estimated 90% of all communication from parents to children is corrective or instructive? That means that practically every interaction you have with your child involves you telling him what to do, or more than likely, how wrong he is.

If that 90% is always focused on negativity, it will not only wear you down, but it will definitely wear your kid down emotionally. Negativity can be a slippery slide. The more you focus on it, the more pessimistic and irritable you become. Eventually, you may find that the only way you interact with your child is from a place of bitterness, because he can’t help being a typically impulsive eight-year-old. Imagine how you’d feel if you were constantly criticized and made to feel you were bad 90% of the day.

Aauugh! I‘m reacting just like my mother used to! I want to do things differently to teach my child discipline. What do I do?

Let’s assume your daughter is calling her little brother names. It’s gotten out of hand because he’s crying, they’re both screaming and you can no longer enjoy watching Dancing with the Stars with all that racket. You’re already exhausted from a tough day at work, so in a huff, you pause your DVR and step in to teach her a lesson by saying something like, “Stop being rude and calling you little brother names!”

It sounded simple enough, didn’t it? Yet, on an unconscious level, your child may feel that you are labeling her as rude. Consequently, she will catalog that description into her unconscious and with enough repetition of being seen as rude in your eyes, it might eventually become part of her very own unhealthy identity. How you communicate your vision of your child is how she sees herself. Enough negative reinforcement and this can lead to even worse behavior down the road.

ARE YOU CRAZY? She is being “RUDE!” I’M SO SICK OF THIS BEHAVIOR! What am I supposed to do, pat her on the head and give her a lollipop for picking on her little brother?

First, an explosive reaction like that one you just yelled might make me feel crazy if I was your child. Your knee-jerk emotional reaction would definitely lead me to feel that way. It certainly wouldn’t boost my self-esteem or empower me to make better choices.

Secondly, if your child is in fact being rude to her little brother and it’s getting to the point where you need to step in, there may be healthier interventions that still communicate to her that she needs to alter her behavior but don’t attack her self-esteem.

Okay, so how do I get my kid to, “Stop being so rude” without saying “Stop being so rude?”

Instead of focusing on stopping an action, concentrate on starting one. Take the example of, “Stop being rude to your little brother.” Instead, try this approach, “Please speak nicely to your brother.” Of course this is done in conjunction with your ever-present calm

and totally-in-control parental demeanor. Screaming, “You need to speak nicely to your brother,” defeats the purpose here. If her behavior warrants further disciplinary action, such as a time-out, feel free to use it with the same grounded and peaceful manner in which you initially spoke to her.

I don’t understand the difference between, “stop being rude” and “please speak nicely.” It’s saying the same thing, isn’t it?

While both phrases are similar, they communicate two different messages. The negative approach is more punitive and connotates a sense of rejection. When you do that, it identifies your child with an unsavory personality trait. Alternatively, the positive approach is more instructive and helps your children focus on what they can do instead of how they are less than or bad.

Think of your child’s behavior as a moving medicine ball. If your kid is pushing the ball in a direction that is inappropriate, telling her to stop is confusing and difficult for her. She now has to stop the momentum of this big, heavy ball and figure out what to do next while the ball is still outside of where it is supposed to be. All the while, she is feeling shame and resentment for disappointing you.

On the other hand, if you instruct her to push the ball in a more appropriate direction, it is easier for her to change the trajectory of the ball while it is still moving instead of stopping the flow altogether. Additionally, she now knows the direction to push it, thus giving her a sense of self-empowerment, while not receiving a negative label to attach to herself.

Can you give me a few more examples?

Sure thing. Instead of barking out judgments demanding obedience, try these alternatives below in a calm but firm voice that command respect:

Stop yelling! You’re out of control!
- Please speak more quietly, and if you can’t, go to your room to cool down for a few minutes.
You’re so lazy, quit goofing off!
- It’s time to settle down and focus on what we’re doing together.
Your homework is wrong again… can’t you do anything right?
- I see you’ve had a tough time with homework lately. Let’s sit down for a few minutes and figure out how to do it better together.

That all sounds like a bunch of psychobabble-mumble-jumble. Why do I have to be so careful and treat my kid like he’s mentally fragile?

Because emotionally, your kid is fragile. His identity and self-esteem are still developing and are susceptible to both positive and negative influences. Weathering a constant barrage of criticisms and harsh judgments from his parents can beat your kid down emotionally. When you criticize your kid and point negative descriptions about him or his behavior like, “rude,” “stupid,” “childish,” etc, you are teaching him that he is a disappointment and bad. Your behavior can contribute to the crippling of his self-esteem if you’re not careful. You are also teaching him that when he feels down, a great way to cope is to attack another with criticism. He’ll develop the coping strategy that hurting others is a great way to feel more powerful. Your tactic may be subtle, but the unconscious brain of your kid hears it loud and clear.

Are you saying that I can never say anything negative towards my kid and that I have to let her do whatever she wants?

Absolutely not. It is imperative that you maintain a sense of order and discipline in your home or your kids won’t feel safe. The point is to try to change the way you communicate with your child while still enforcing appropriate limits. Taking an extra three seconds to rephrase your direction will take time to master, but with practice, it’ll get easier for you. Realize that no matter how much you work on it, you’re still going to lose it sometimes. That’s okay. You won’t ever be perfect, nor will your children; imperfection is the price we all pay for being human. Use those instances as opportunities to teach your children the power of an apology. Think of it as setting the example for how you want your kids to tackle personal obstacles in their lives.

If you are willing to take on the arduous task of exerting your authority by using positive directions instead of negative criticisms, your daughter will learn more successful ways to deal with her frustrations than to consistently call her brother “Count Poopula.”

If you have any further questions, please feel free to call for a complimentary phone consultation:

Kent Toussaint, M.A.

Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

HELPis@KentToussaint.com

(818) 983-7728

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