Winning the class spelling-bee won’t make your child develop self-confidence all on its own.  Your kid needs to have the tools to recognize her own self-worth.  These tools are not innate.  They must be taught by you.  If she can learn the ability to love herself, she has a better shot of acknowledging her strengths and seeing them as part of her own identity.  This sense of self is intrinsic for her to feel good about herself, thus helping her to eventually tackle adulthood in a healthy manner.

So how does playing catch help my kid build his self-confidence and “love himself?” 

Let me first explain that playing catch is not a supernatural event that miraculously grants unlimited courage, gumption and happiness. It is however, one way to connect with your kid and let him know that you think he’s really cool! 

Think of playing catch as a non-verbal conversation between you and him that speaks to his unconscious.  Every time you throw the ball to him, you have the opportunity to communicate that you see him for who he is, he is important to you and you enjoy spending time with him. When you catch his throw, it’s as if you are saying to him that you accept him, his thoughts and feelings are valuable, and that you love him.

Holy Moly!  That sounds like a big load of you-know-what!  For Pete’s sake, it’s just throwing a ball.  You make it sound like a psychic game between a Jedi Knight and a Free-Lovin’ Hippie!

I emphasize words like enjoy and meaningful because these terms are guideposts for you in having fun with your kid.  As the parent, you have tremendous influence on how the environment for the interaction between the two of you is created.  If you spend the time to make eye contact and share your appreciation and love in a positive, non-judgmental manner, you are actively teaching your child to see herself in that same positive way.

I don’t know.  It sounds like you want me to be some kind of overly soft push-over. How is that going to teach my child self-worth?

Your child will also be more resilient when he struggles emotionally because he has the experience of feeling accepted and important through your gentle guidance and reassurance.  When you actively accept and love your kid unconditionally, it sets the example for him on how to accept himself.  This becomes a valuable tool during the teenage years. 

Okay, I get why it’s important.  But it seems that we always get into some kind of argument when we play.  How do I help her throw the ball right without her getting so upset?

Playing catch is less about perfect form and more about having fun.  To support that thought, I’d like to share with you a great quote that I have heard, but unfortunately I don’t know who originated it:

Kids don’t care how much you know,

until they know how much you care.

In other words, you have to build a sense of trust and safety with your child before she will open up to all the years of wisdom that you want to share with her.

When playing catch, if you can focus more on being silly and sharing a good time with her, you will eventually earn her trust and she’ll welcome an occasional helpful hint on how to improve her throwing motion. Just remember that it’s better to have your kid giggling while throwing awkwardly than her having a great throwing motion but hating every minute of it.  You strengthening her ability to feel loved will pay many more dividends than training her to be a professional ball player.

Can I at least use this time to get him to understand how important it is to finish his homework?

I hate to admit it, but I don’t even think that I know how to play catch. Am I doomed never to connect with my kid?

If you want to challenge your discomfort in playing catch, concentrate on how much fun your kid is having while you play and let that buoy you so you can keep going.  Make it a point to compliment her on not just her good throws and catches, but also her efforts.  Phrases like, “Way to throw!” “Nice catch.”  “Good try, you were really close that time.  Let’s try it again!” are all examples of adding positive encouragement to the nonverbal communication of playing catch.