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Clues on Kids #015
Spare the Rod… Love Your Child! (Part I of II)
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September 2010
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She did it again! That darn 5-year-old daughter of yours just ran down your driveway, sprinted past the mailbox and hurled herself out into the middle of the street without looking for oncoming traffic! She’s lucky she didn’t get flattened by the UPS truck. Of course you are frustrated and shaken to your very core. You’ve just been scared to death that the most precious person in your life is playing a real life version of Frogger! And this isn’t the first time!
I can’t allow her to keep doing that. I have to spank her or at least slap some sense in to her… don’t I?
No, you don’t. The reason why you don’t is that it is virtually impossible to physically slap sense into
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anyone, despite what we may sometimes see in the movies. You cannot simultaneously harm, humiliate and frighten your child while also teaching her valuable life lessons.
I agree with you that her behavior of running out into the street is dangerous and needs to be addressed. However, the use of corporal punishment will not only consistently fail to teach your child, it more than likely will get in the way of her eventually knowing better. The lesson will not be learned to your dismay and she’ll do it again. Next time it happens, you will be scared to death AGAIN, but also really angry that she didn’t learn the first time. Before you realize it, you’re spanking her again… even harder and with more anger this time. If you use this method to try to teach lessons, then slowly but most assuredly your relationship with your child will deteriorate.
Oh, quit being such a “cry-baby.” I got spanked all the time and I turned out okay… didn’t I?
Well, didn’t I?
Possibly. Many people survive much worse atrocities than spanking and eventually become happy, functioning adults, but that doesn’t mean that everyone needs to suffer the same way. Just because your parents didn’t know any better, doesn’t mean that you have to follow suit.
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Adults will joke about and trivialize the physical punishment doled out to them by their parents long ago. This frivolous portrayal sometimes covers up the deep seated and perhaps unconscious emotional pain that they desperately try to forget through humor. Unfortunately, this can lead to a lack of empathy for their own children when it is time to straighten them out!
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Yes, you may be a happy, functioning adult now, but take a moment to remember how you felt when it happened to you. Do you even remember what the lesson was? Or is the clearer part of that memory how angry and scary your dad was? Which did you detest more: how angry your mom was at you or the anger you felt towards her? What was the lesson anyway?
So, if there is a calmer, more effective way, then why not try it? However, I forewarn you… the philosophy that I propose does require immensely more patience and love on your end.
Come on, what’s wrong with a little swat here and there?
There are several problems with hitting your child. First of all, it’s lazy parenting. It’s much easier to smack your kid when he misbehaves than to take a pro-active and positive approach to teach him appropriate behavior. That swat may stop him in his tracks for the time being, but what have you really taught him?
Well, the other night it seemed to work to teach him that making arm-farts at the dinner table is unacceptable. It was fast, he got the point and the rest of the family got to eat in peace.
While you were enjoying your peaceful meal, your son was probably wrestling with the fear of never knowing when he was going to get hit next. You’re teaching him that he cannot depend on you to protect him from the most frightening thing on Earth… your wrath. He struggles with the feeling that you think so little of him that you physically bully and attack him whenever his normal childhood playfulness gets the better of him. You’ve taught your son that making arm-farts around you is dangerous and leads to your disrespect and rejection because he is unworthy of your love. The most powerful thing that you are teaching is a sense of unworthiness, a feeling that he is flawed and unlovable. It is not a logical response, it is an emotional response to an emotional stimuli. Much to your chagrin, spanking your child will do very little to inspire rational thinking from your son.
Therefore, to combat this indignity, he may try to find every way possible to perform his arm-fart symphony without getting caught by you. The minute you turn your head, walk out of the room or take a phone call, he will do his very best to sneak in a few notes without you noticing. On the surface he may be laughing, but that laughter is covering up a darker and more painful defiance. His motivation will be derived from a desire for vengeance towards you. This need for retribution comes from the vulnerable feelings of sadness and fear that are generated every time you reject (smack) and humiliate (spank) your kid. Each time you take this approach, you are violating his trust in you that you will love and protect him.
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Rejection? Humiliation? Please! I’m not even hitting her that hard; and I’m being very calm when I do it. Why isn’t a quick slap justified to prove my point?
It’s not justified for the same reason you wouldn’t accept your spouse giving you a fresh one when he or
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she didn’t approve of your tone of voice.
When spouses hit each other, it is not described euphemistically as, adult spanking. That term belongs in a completely different context not suitable for this article. The legal terms domestic violence and assault & battery are more applicable. When there is violence within an adult couple, it often leads to incarcerations and restraining orders when law enforcement gets involved.
Most of you would never tolerate anyone, anywhere, at anytime to degrade you and cause you physical harm. Yet, somehow spanking your own child is rationalized because, “that’s what was done to me.” It doesn’t matter if you are calm or not when you hit your kid, you are still violently harming your child.
It’s the only way she’s going to learn. How else am I supposed to stop her from hitting her little sister?
Hopefully you see the paradox in this situation. You are hitting your daughter to stop her from hitting her sister. While you’re spanking her, you are probably shouting something like, “STOP HITTING YOUR SISTER!” Do you see this perverse cycle? The attitude of that’s what was done to me is being viciously repeated. By utilizing corporal punishment, you are very clearly demonstrating to your daughter that when she gets angry or when things don’t go her way, the best way to deal with it is to angrily hurt and bully those who are weaker than her in order to get what she wants. Your spanking is bringing about the exact opposite of what you want to accomplish. In other words, you become part of the problem… a big part.
Alright smarty-pants, if I don’t spank my kids, how am I supposed to punish them?
That question along with many others will be addressed in next month’s Clues on Kids #016 – “Spare the Rod… Love Your Child!” – Part II. I know… another nail-biting cliffhanger to mull over the rest of the September. Just think of all the controversial discussions you can have until then with your spouse, parents and co-workers about spanking while you wait for next month’s issue!
If you just can’t wait until next month and you would like to talk more about this subject or would like any other additional information, please call me for a complimentary phone consultation:
Kent Toussaint, M.A.
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
6400 Canoga Avenue #312, Woodland Hills, CA 91367
HELPis@KentToussaint.com
www.KentToussaint.com
(818) 983-7728
Remember that children are born to make mistakes...
that’s how they learn.
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