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Clues on Kids #016
Spare the Rod… Love Your Child! (Part II of II)
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October 2010
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In last month’s Clues on Kids article, Spare the Rod… Love Your Child! (Part I of II), we discussed how ineffective and dangerous it is to use corporal punishment. This month, let’s focus on ways to set boundaries and enforce appropriate limits without spanking. Again, I warn you that what I am recommending may take a great deal more patience and understanding on your part than you may be used to.
Alright smarty-pants, if I don’t spank my kids, how am I supposed to punish them?
Don’t punish your children.
What?
That’s right. Don’t punish your children. A healthier, happier approach is to discipline your children.
What’s the difference?
Punishing your kid is to make him suffer, to cause him pain, to harm him. I know you love your children otherwise you wouldn’t bother to read this article. Therefore, can you really defend the act of purposefully hurting them? Of course not.
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The term discipline comes from the word, disciple. A disciple is a pupil or a student. Your youngster is your disciple, someone who learns from you how to act and live in the world. Every time he pulls a knucklehead move, it is your opportunity to teach him, even if it is the same knucklehead move over and over again. In fact it is your responsibility to teach him… you are the parent, he is the child. There can still be consequences for
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inappropriate behavior, but violent consequences do more harm than good.
Just like in school, most lessons are not completely learned after just one class. Likewise, some subjects are harder to master than others. Here’s the good news: your trusty disciple will give you plenty of opportunities to teach him… over and over and over and over…
But how am I supposed to get my kid to listen to me when it’s time to “teach” her yet again that she can’t put her hands on the stove?
It’s not easy for your children to pay attention when they’re being corrected by you even when you are respectful. However, the more calm and loving you are when disciplining your kid, the better chance that she will feel safe to listen to you. If instead you are intimidating her (hitting, yelling, blowing up) about her lapse in judgment, all she will be able to focus on is your scary temperament, and the lesson will be lost. She won’t respect or even hear what you are saying because all she’ll be focused on will be how she can’t trust you to love and protect her from your own volatile emotions.
So, when my son starts yelling at me because I won’t let him watch TV at dinner time, I’m supposed to just give him a kiss on the forehead and let him get away with it?
The kiss isn’t such a bad idea, actually. Additionally, if you keep your wits about you, it is well within your capacity to set those limits and deal with his emotional outburst with love instead of intimidation. Treating your child with respect even when he doesn’t reciprocate it is not weakness; it is strength… tremendous, tremendous strength! Think Ghandi or Martin Luther King Jr. here; men who entered hostile environments and withstood being attacked, yet still managed to treat their aggressors with respect and dignity. When you are being pushed, hit, spit on and disrespected, it takes tremendous strength to abstain from using any violence and still make your point.
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I guarantee that your teachings will be much more heard and readily accepted if you show him that he is respected and loved even when he pushes you to the brink. He will trust that you really do have his best interests at heart because of how you treat him. It is so important to maintain limits and boundaries that teach your child discipline. Set those limits and consequences with compassion, because after all, you really do love your kids.
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Can you give me an example?
One way how to do this is by first giving him a hug, making and sustaining eye contact, giving him a smile and telling him that you love him. He may still be angry, but I’ll be willing to bet, you’ve opened the door a little bit to him listening to you because he is not feeling attacked or challenged. Then, you calmly and concisely explain that dinner is only thirty minutes long and when you are all done eating and cleaning up, that he is more than welcome to watch TV afterwards. On top of that, you invite him to offer ideas of how family dinner can be more fun with the lot of you sitting and talking. No matter how outrageous his requests may be, don’t shoot any of them down. Instead show him that you are carefully considering them and if you are unsure how to implement them, tell him that maybe you could all talk about it over dinner to find a solution that works for everyone. If you are patient, calm and understanding of his feelings, you will eventually come to a compromise that helps him come to the table each night without an argument… it just might take a while.
Later on when he is more relaxed and not quite so agitated, is the time to calmly talk about how he yelled at you. Again, keep your ears open and your mouth closed as much as possible. The more he talks about the situation and feels that you are really listening to him, the more likely he will be to start trusting that you really do care and will understand him. Hence, his impulse to yell and fight will dissipate.
But spanking offers me much more immediate results. How much time do I have to wait to see my kid respond to a more compassionate yet firm me?
A spanked bottom may indeed result in an immediate stop in jumping on the couch. On the other hand it will lead to many other spankings and screaming matches down the line that could be avoided with some discipline and patience on your part.
Conversely, enforcing the No Jumping on the Brand New Couch with Your Old Muddy Sneakers rule by concisely explaining the infraction, calmly implementing natural consequences (making her clean up the couch to your satisfaction) while reminding your kid that she is loved and respected even though she messed up, may take longer to stick in the short run. However, it pays off for you long term by your kid integrating it into her own sense of right and wrong.
A hostile, violent reaction from you might cause her to want to get you back by jumping on the brand new ottoman, snottily proclaiming, “But you said I can’t jump on the couch, you never said anything about the ottoman!” However, if you maintain a respectful, loving demeanor and allow her to keep her dignity, she will understand that the No Jumping… rule also applies to other furniture because it makes sense. There is no need to rebel. There will be no indignity or shame to fight against because you allowed her to focus on the lesson instead of the shame. There will be fewer arguments, less headaches and more understanding, acceptance and love between the two of you.
It sounds like you’re asking me to be a saint! Do I have to be perfect?
No one is perfect. That includes both parents and kids. Just like your children, there will be times when you have a human moment and snap, yell, lose your cool or misbehave. Use these opportunities to teach your children how to apologize with sincerity and honesty. This will help your kids learn at the foot of the master how to make amends. This lesson is not learned by lecture but it is learned by example. So when your kid has her own human moment not only will she be better prepared to earnestly say, “sorry,” but you will also have more empathy and understanding due to all of your teachings around apologies.
Okay, I think I get it. Any last words of advice?
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Yes, one more thing. Play with your kids often, enjoy your time with them and overtly communicate through your words and actions that you love them unconditionally. I promise you that your kids are paying attention to that even if they don’t let you see it. Loving your children unconditionally will help them grow into healthy, happy, respectful adults. As I have stated in previous articles, kids don’t care how much you know, until they know how much you care.
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If you would like to talk more about this subject or would like any other additional information, please call me for a complimentary phone consultation:
Kent Toussaint, M.A.
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
6400 Canoga Avenue #312, Woodland Hills, CA 91367
HELPis@KentToussaint.com
www.KentToussaint.com
(818) 983-7728
Remember that children are born to make mistakes...
that’s how they learn.
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