Kent Toussaint, MA MFT - "Tips on Teens" #005

Tips on Teens #005
“You Can’t Tell Me What To Do!”

March 2007

Æ “Tommy, turn off the TV and do your homework.”

Æ “No, I don’t want to.”

Æ “How dare you say ‘no’ to me! That is so disrespectful. Now do as you’re told.”

Æ “You can’t tell me what to do! I’m fifteen and I can do what I want!”

Ä “Mom, I’m going out tonight.”

Ä “Sara, I already told you that you are staying home tonight because you got
caught lying.”

Ä “Oh my God, Mom, you never let me do anything!”

Ä “Sara, now don’t get so upset, we already talked about this.”

Ä “You hate me! You don’t care! I am going to that party and there’s nothing you can do to stop me!”

These kinds of conversations send shivers of dread up the spines of parents… and these are the polite exchanges. Such arguments can often be much worse, lasting for hours if not days with strong and hateful language being bandied about.

But why is it so much harder now that he's a teenager? Just a couple of years ago, dealing with his defiance was so much easier.

When your children were toddlers, it was much easier to enforce your rules. When your three-year-old tried to put the fork in the toaster, you were able to pick up your child and remove the fork and the toaster from his possession. He didn’t like it but obviously, you knew better and were able to protect him from himself because you were stronger, smarter and he was totally dependent upon you. Unfortunately, you can’t just pick him up anymore and sit him down in his jumper (and getting that toaster out of his hands now is nearly impossible). He is now much more self reliant and can’t wait to exercise his own self will without parental intervention. It doesn’t matter if you know better than he does on what’s good for him, he wants power! What’s worse… he has it and there is nothing you can do to take it away from him.

You cannot physically make Tommy turn off the TV or do his homework. Nor can you chain Sara to the dinning room table to prevent her from leaving the house (even though it is a rather tempting yet slightly illegal notion).

So what am I supposed to do? When my teen says “no” and openly defies me, what can I do to make her behave?

All parents are faced with these situations, and when they do, they often feel scared and powerless (it’s not just you). Sometimes, parents back down and reluctantly give their blessings because they don’t want to lose in a battle of wills. Other times, parents engage their kids in pointless and unending screaming matches that only succeed in building more and more resentment between parents and teenagers. Does any of this sound familiar? Yeah, I thought so.

Remember that disobedience does not mean that your teen is totally out of control. After all, it is never possible to have complete control over your teen. The best you can hope for is to be influential to your teen. Teenagers as with adults only submit to control when they buy into the hierarchy of power.

Huh? "Hierarchy of power?" What does that mean?

Well, why do you obey traffic laws, or why do you do what your boss tells you to do? Probably because to some extent you agree with the rules laid out and the following of those rules is beneficial to your life. You follow traffic laws (well most of them, Speed Racer) because you don’t want to get into a car accident or get a ticket. You submit to your boss’s authority because you respect his leadership perhaps (yeah… that’s it) and because you want your bi-weekly paycheck. If you didn’t care about traffic tickets or paychecks, I wonder how you would respond to those authority figures.

Okay, Kent. How do I get my teen to buy into my power hierarchy or whatever you called it?

Good question. Here are some tips that might help:

Establish your rules and expectations to your teens specifically and succinctly.
Remember that yelling and lecturing hasn’t worked in the past nor will it in the future, if it did you wouldn’t be having this problem.
Only introduce consequences that you can realistically enforce. It is not the length or the severity of the disciplinary action as much as it is you sticking to what you say.
Don’t get dragged into an argument about threats of misbehavior that haven’t happened yet.
Your teenagers will not agree with you… they don’t have to. You have more of a chance of convincing a ten-year-old boy that fart jokes aren’t funny.
Be resolute that there will be specific links between privileges and responsibilities and that they must coexist.
Your teenagers will try to lure you into arguments to avoid responsibilities. This is normal behavior, and remember that the longer you argue, the more they can avoid being responsible.
Feel free to walk away and let them have the last word. It may feel weak at first, but you are actually being strong. You can always address disrespectful communication at a time when both of you are calmer.

This is not easy to do for any parent so don’t get down on yourself if this feels overwhelming. However, if your child’s defiance is getting out of control, don’t be afraid to reach out to those who can help and support you. You’d be surprised how many of your peers are going through the same thing. Talk to fellow parents, friends, relatives and get some emotional support and advice. If you need more support than they can provide, it may be time to consult with a family therapist who specializes in working with teenagers and their families.

If you would like more information, please feel free to call for a complimentary phone consultation:

Kent Toussaint, MA

Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

HELPis@KentToussaint.com

(818) 983-7728

Remember that adolescence is a temporary mental disorder and will pass within a few years.

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