Kent Toussaint, MA MFT - "Tips on Teens" #008

Tips on Teens #008
"Graduation"

June 2007

So your kid is graduating and moving on the next level of education. As a parent you are overflowing with pride and hope, excited that your child is moving on to new heights. You are overjoyed with excitement and ready for the next step. So why isn’t your kid? “Wait a minute, Kent. Are you suggesting that my child might not be confidently jubilant and feel passionately ready to move on to new and more difficult challenges?” Yes, that is exactly what I am suggesting.

Transitioning from Elementary School to Middle School

This may be the biggest transition your child has ever gone through. Even if it isn’t, this still might be the scariest changeover in your child’s educational and social experience. Your kid is just beginning his journey through adolescence at this stage and change can unsettle a young 11-year-old’s confidence in himself.

Your child will go from just one class with one teacher to up to six or seven classes and teachers each day. He will have many more responsibilities in keeping track of schoolwork, locker combinations and P.E. clothes just to name a few.

Most importantly, social dynamics will change. Pre-teens go from being the big kids in school to becoming scrubs… the bottom of the adolescent food chain. In fact, there is a decent chance that they will have to make brand new friends because their old friends don’t go to the same middle school, or an even scarier thought… their friends might run off to join a different social circle and leave them feeling abandoned. Remember, that now is the time when your kid will start developing his sense of identity as an individual… an exploration that will be a major part of his emotional development for the next ten to fifteen years.

Middle school is where forbidding things like drugs, alcohol, sex and violence begin to be explored by some kids. Did you know that many students fear going into the school bathrooms? The reason is bathrooms can be havens for drugs and gang violence out of the watchful eye of school administrators… even some of the nice suburban middle schools where students wear clean-cut uniforms.

Most likely, your child will learn how to navigate through these changes as they happen, but he doesn’t know that yet. Why? Because he is still a child and doesn’t have the luxury of your adult perspective... he has an underdeveloped teenager brain. All he knows is frightening rumors and speculation based on his own fearful imagination. Your child may need some reassurance and understanding from you to help him get through the anxiety of moving on to middle school.

Transitioning from Middle School to High School

This change can be deceptively difficult for a teenager. “How can that be? She already knows how to balance six classes. Isn’t it the same thing as middle school, just the kids are older?” On the surface it is, but underneath is a whole new social dynamic. Dating pressures are more prevalent and more complex (sorry, didn’t mean to shock you there). For example, it is more accepted for freshmen and sophomore girls to date seniors than it is for boys… girls

generally don’t date younger guys in high school. More importantly, kids are maturing at different rates which can lead to losing life long friends and having to branch out and find new identities in order to fit in with new cliques.

Alcohol, drugs and sex become more expected pastimes amongst high school kids and they are ever-present. They may not be accepted by parents however, which of course can create a great deal of conflict within a teenager’s life. Fighting and other violent behavior on the other hand becomes less likely with kids who have not started down a pattern of violence; but for those kids who join crews, gangs or just fight for fun, the stakes become much higher and the risk of serious injury or jail time increases.

School work gets harder and more is expected of your teen, which can get overwhelming. Teens by and large gain more freedoms in high school and are required to monitor their own time more effectively than before. For some teens, demonstrating self restraint and good judgment is difficult and unconsciously they know this (that’s why instead of facing the pressures of studying for her biology exam, your daughter spends hours of valuable time chatting on MySpace). Therefore, moving up to the next level of education can be filled with anxiety. It is kind of like when you got that promotion that you really wanted but you were barely ready for. It took a while for you to learn on the job enough to where you got comfortable and confident in what you were doing… well, at least you managed to get your boss to think that you know what you are doing!

Transitioning from High School to Adulthood

This evolution is probably the most varied in how teens respond to the stress. All kids wait for that glorious day of getting out of school so life can really begin! That self expectation can lead to tremendous pressure. What if I fail? What if I’m not great… or even good enough? I’m going to feel so alone! I was supposed to be happy, since I am not, I must be worthless. These are just a handful of worries that your teen may face when graduating from high school.

Your kid knows that he finally made it… he’s an adult. He is now responsible for his own actions, even if he is still living at home. College professors are not going to send reminders home about homework and he’ll never get in trouble for skipping class... he’ll just get an “F” for not passing his tests.

He has to find a job and start thinking about developing a career. Unfortunately, he may have no idea what to do with his life. By the way, he is thinking about this even if he tells you otherwise. The myth that he has to pick his one and only career right now may be too overwhelming. Instead of trying something out to see if he likes it, he may be paralyzed and do nothing. Leaving home for college or the military may also be terrifying as it is probably the first time that your child has ever been that far away from the comforts of home for that long.

Again, social dynamics change even further. Romantic relationships can become more intense. Friendships can often grow apart or even end. Picking the right fraternity or sorority is terribly stressful and can destroy life long relationships with friends if they don’t fit into the new social structure.

Change and the Unknown are Scary Things

Here it comes… one of my patented comparisons between the difficulties suffered by teens and adults. Are you ready? Okay, here it goes: Change is hard enough for adults (starting a new job, career, relationship, etc.). Many grown-ups struggle when forced to transform a part of their lives. Imagine what it must be like for a not-fully-developed teenager brain to tolerate such big changes. Just like you, your teen will most likely get through these life changing struggles, but she sure could use some help through emotional support and positive encouragement along the way from you. That support can help alleviate some of the stress your teenager is under and may be just what she needs to find the courage to push through and succeed at the next level academically, socially and occupationally. That builds confidence and increases self-esteem, leading to an easier journey through teenagerhood and eventuallygraduating to adulthood.

If you would like more information, please feel free to call for a complimentary phone consultation:

Kent Toussaint, MA

Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

HELPis@KentToussaint.com

(818) 983-7728

Remember that adolescence is a temporary mental disorder and will pass within a few years.

[back to the top]