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Tips on Teens #012
Co-Parenting with Your Hated Ex-Spouse | ||
| October 2007 | ||
| Finally, it was the last straw. Both you and your spouse decided to call it quits. Just get through the divorce and there will be no more fights, no more arguments and no more misunderstandings… except about your kids! | ||
| Those arguments don’t seem to go away. More than likely, they get even worse. You fight about how to discipline the kids, who gets them for visits, what schools they will attend and it goes on and on. Those fights start to overflow into every aspect of your life. The dream of being rid of that despicable person that you had married gets farther and farther away. | ||
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You now view that person as your arch enemy and the enemy of your children. The reoccurring
fantasy of that spouse moving to | ||
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Well, of course we’re fighting. My ex is crazy. What do you expect?
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Often kids feel pressured to hate one parent out of fear of hurting or being rejected
by the other. This pressure may come from their own poor attempts to deal with overwhelming feelings of sadness and anger about
the divorce. You may not realize it, but this pressure can also come from you denigrating or talking badly about your ex in
front of your kids.
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| But my child needs to know what a horrible person her other parent is. Don’t I have to protect my teenager from getting hurt? | ||
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Trying to convince your teen that her other parent is the bad one and you are the good one generally leads to tremendous
resentment towards you. It may not start out that way, and perhaps you will succeed in turning her against your former companion.
However, eventually she will probably hate and mistrust the both of you. When this happens, your teen is in danger of turning
towards unhealthy coping strategies such as drugs and alcohol, making matters even worse.
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But
what should I do when my teen asks me, “Why does Mom/Dad always act like that?”
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| This is not the time to say how you really feel about your ex. What’s more important is trying to show an understanding for how your teen feels. I know you desperately want your kid to understand your feelings about your ex. You also want to shield your teen from unnecessary disappointment because it crushes you every time he gets stepped on emotionally. | ||
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Generally the best answer you can give is something along the lines
of, “I don’t know.” Besides, your teen is not really looking for concrete answers. What he’s really looking for is emotional
support. When he’s hurting as a result of a disappointing interaction with your ex, try to acknowledge those feelings in a nurturing
way by listening (notice I didn’t say talking) and maybe a hug or two.
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| Well, what am I supposed to do when my ex keeps brainwashing my kids against me? | ||
| This is never easy. You feel like you’re getting emotionally beat up by your whole family and that you don’t
deserve it. You feel wrongly accused and convicted of being a monster. If your ex would just shut-up, maybe you could
rebuild your relationship with your kids. | ||
| If this sounds like you, there is a way to handle this but it takes amazing courage, strength and patience. Your best approach in a nutshell is… don’t play the game. | ||
| “Don’t play the game?” What does that mean? | ||
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You know who you are and who you aren’t. If you truly want to prove to your kids that you are a good person and that
you love them… show them, don’t tell them.
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Like I always say, “Lead by example… especially when your kids don’t follow.”
Your ex may be spreading lies, but you have the opportunity when you are with your kids to prove them all wrong. Not with your
passionate defense, but with your respect, compassion, understanding and setting appropriate boundaries with your kids.
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In other
words, be the good parent that you know you are. In time, your kids will see through the lies because they won’t match your
behavior and they’ll come around to seeing and loving the real you.
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I don’t know. This all seems so overwhelming.
Is there anything that could make this easier?
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Remember, you are a role model for your kids. They are mirrors of you. The way you treat and
interact with people in your life shows your children what you consider acceptable ways of relating to others. If they see you
constantly battling with your ex, they learn that’s the proper way to exist within major relationships. You can’t stop your
ex from behaving inappropriately; but you don’t have to get caught up in the drama either (good luck). Someone has to take the
high ground and set an example, not only for your kids but for the $#@^% that used to share your bed. Otherwise, your kids will
ultimately be the biggest losers.
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What do you mean by my kids will be the biggest losers?
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Right now your teens are going through
tremendous emotional and mental growth. Living in an environment where they constantly feel unsafe and confused can shatter
their self-esteem and disrupt a healthy development of identity (the big challenge in adolescent maturity). When this happens,
unhappy kids can grow up into dysfunctional adults and follow your footsteps into unhealthy relationships.
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So my recommendation
to you is to find a way to make peace and collaborate with your sworn enemy. Break the cycle of mistrust and unhappiness in
order save your kids from making the same mistakes you and your ex are making now.
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| If you would like more information, please
feel free to call for a complimentary phone consultation: | ||
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Kent Toussaint, MA Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (818) 983-7728 | ||
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Remember that adolescence is a temporary mental disorder and will pass within a few years. | ||
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Copyright 2006 - 2010, Kent Toussaint, MA MFT | ||
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