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Tips on Teens #013
When Your Good Kid Has Bad Friends | ||
| December 2007 | ||
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Remember when your child was sweet and innocent? She
wore pretty dresses, enjoyed Radio-Disney and had such nice and polite friends… and that was last semester! Now her friends
seem like a surly group of teens that might frighten the guards at Juvenile Hall. They always seem dirty, they’re disrespectful
and they really look like they do drugs!
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Whether you know for certain or it’s just a feeling in your gut, sometimes you’ll find you
just hate your kid’s friends because they give you the heebie-jeebies. It’s not uncommon for you to feel this way.
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What I’d like to address in this article is when you know or have very strong suspicions that your kid’s friends are a few steps away from being locked up… and I don’t mean put on restriction. | ||
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Your teen doesn’t view it as lowering himself to their standards. Most likely,
he feels like he has finally found people who he can relate to. Take a good look at your kid’s friends and you’ll have an inkling
of how he sees himself or how he wants to be seen. | ||
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Take yourself for example. Think about the people who you choose to socialize with. For the most part, they have similar interests, ideas, life styles, etc. That is not to say that you and your peers are clones of one another, but generally speaking you chose them because their views on life are similar to yours. Now that you’re older, you have a stronger sense of who you are and how you’d like to represent yourself. Your teenager doesn’t know yet who he is or who he wants to be. What’s essential to him is that he’s found some friends with similar interests and feelings. It’s not important to your kid whether Danger-Funk has similar life goals or school grades. All he wants is to be accepted by someone who views life in a way that resonates with him (not how it resonates with you). | ||
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So why would my kid relate to those creeps? Are they brain-washing her? | ||
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Remember that cultivating an identity is the biggest developmental challenge to wrangle with in adolescence. Therefore, teens gravitate toward those who they identify with… or want to be identified with. When your good kid starts to socialize with a clique of troubled teens, it is often less about rebelling against you (although that does play a part). Generally it is more about connecting with those individuals’ emotional state. | ||
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Huh? My kid never talks about his friends’ emotional state! He doesn’t even know what that means… What does it mean anyway? | ||
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So why would my kid relate to those creeps? Are they brain-washing her? | ||
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On an unconscious level, we all relate to one another emotionally. You have an emotional connection with
your friends, that’s why you like being with them. Your teen develops emotional connections with others that he feels have similar
feelings, or emotional states. Therefore, if your teenager is running with the wrong crowd, it may be because he is struggling
with significant emotional pain. So much so that he fears that his previous good | ||
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But if she stays with those friends, won’t they force her to do drugs, commit crimes and have sex? | ||
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There is a myth
that bad kids actively pressure good teenagers to do evil deeds. Trouble-making-teens have little interest in socializing with
a goody-two-shoes. Yet, sometimes good kids are drawn to the bad kids for what they represent. Often they symbolize things
like independence and strength. It’s an illusion of course, but teenagers often have a difficult time seeing past that.
If your teen is having a tough time with self-esteem issues, the bad crowd may seem to her like a good way of feeling stronger and
more secure. That’s how teens (and adults for that matter) want to portray themselves… strong, confident and accepted. | ||
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I talk to teenagers all of the time who run with what their parents’ think is the wrong crowd. These kids consistently tell me that their bad friends don’t pressure them into doing these things. In fact, most of these kids tell me that their friends (the bad kids) will encourage them not to go down this path. | ||
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Research on this subject is as inconsistent as your teenager’s mood swings, so I consulted with several respected colleagues who also work with teens. From their experience, they have come to the same conclusion. That’s not to say that overt pressure isn’t applied to some kids; however I believe that it is the exception, not the rule. | ||
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So what is the truth behind the rumor? | ||
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The pressure to use drugs, act out sexually or any other activities that will
make your hair fall out is generally from internal pressure. His insecurity drives him to want to fit in with his new group
of friends so badly, that he’ll choose to do something wrong just to seem like he’s one of the crowd. This impulse begins with
that desperate desire to belong, not because his buddies are telling him to do it. To belong to a group of friends means feeling
accepted, feeling important and feeling loved… sensations that he may for a variety of reasons have a difficult time embracing or
recognizing outside of the clique. So the pressure comes less from peers and more from your teen’s own self doubt and struggling
self-esteem. | ||
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Think of the new group of friends as having its own culture. To become one with that culture, your kid feels that
he has to join in the customs. If smoking pot is an accepted part of that culture, he may choose to do it. However, it’s
not the marijuana that he wants… it’s the need to feel accepted. Your teen hopes he will feel closer to those who have the same
painful, confusing adolescent emotions as he does. | ||
| I feel that those friends are bringing her down. Can’t I just refuse to allow her to see them and then her self-esteem will improve? | ||
| No. More than likely, your child will feel even more alone and
will hate you. On top of that, you’ll make martyrs out of her friends. You can’t defeat a martyr… especially when there’s
a group of them who are so much cooler than you! | ||
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The more you try to control her thoughts and feelings about her friends, the more she will rebel against your efforts. This can lead to her more aggressively acting out. The stronger your criticisms are of her friends, the more she will place them on a pedestal to worship in all their glory. | ||
| What am I supposed to do? I can’t even stand to have “Danger-Funk and the rest of the Crew” in my house! | ||
| But when they are at your house, you can use that opportunity to engage them in conversation enough to where they know and trust you. Get to know his friends and you may be surprised when one of these kids gives you the heads up about when your kid needs help (trust me, I’m not making this up). | ||
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After all, if you
can accept these ne’er-do-wells, maybe the romance of hanging with the bad crowd will be the phase you hope it to be. If you
like them… how cool can they be anyway? | ||
| How am I supposed to stand by and watch her get into trouble with these idiots? | ||
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Even
though you may allow her to hang out with these friends, you still need to maintain your rules. Her social privileges should
still be measured by your kid successfully meeting her responsibilities (school work, chores, meeting curfew, etc.). If she
is behaving within a relatively acceptable level, she should have the freedoms that you feel is appropriate for her age. If
her grades are good, she’s doing most of her chores and is checking in with you and getting your permission before she goes out with
her friends… you may want to cut her some slack. She might be smarter than you’ve given her credit for. | ||
| That’s it? Well then how do I get him to see his brain-dead friends for what they really are? | ||
| You can’t control your kid’s thoughts, feelings or motives.
You can’t always control his behavior either. The only thing you have total control over is how you respond to your child.
Calmly enforce your rules whether he likes it or not (probably not). Do your best to empathize with your kid’s tumultuous adolescence.
A little emotional understanding can go a long way. | ||
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If your teen is overwhelming you (they often do), get help. When your kid is overwhelmed, you want him to seek help don’t you? Set the example… especially when your teen doesn’t follow it. Lean on peers, family, clergy and therapists. You never have to parent alone. | ||
| If you would like more information, please feel
free to call for a complimentary phone consultation: | ||
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Kent Toussaint, MA Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (818) 983-7728 | ||
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Remember that adolescence is a temporary mental disorder and will pass within a few years. | ||
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Copyright 2006 - 2010, Kent Toussaint, MA MFT | ||
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