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Tips on Teens #015
How do I Get My Teen to Talk to Me? | ||
| April 2008 | ||
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After being an avid reader of Tips on Teens you are no doubt an expert in dealing with the temporary mental disorder that is adolescence. You’ve reduced your yelling, become more understanding and have even been more diligent at creating a healthy structure for your children. Life is now perfect! | ||
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Cool your jets,
Turbo! Life is far from perfect. I’m trying to do everything right, but my teen barely even speaks to me! Well, there
is that small fact that your teen wants to talk to you about as much as you long for an IRS audit. Many parents have a tough
time with this. Feeling rejected by your own kids is not a pleasant experience. You’re not alone, however. | ||
But
I’m different. I try really hard to reach out to my teen and initiate conversation and he still won’t open up to me. I
miss him. | ||
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Of course you miss him. Most parents struggle with feeling like they lose their bond and connection with their teens. It’s normal for kids to try to separate from their parents as much as they can during adolescence. | ||
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But why? Why doesn’t she see
me as a safe place to open up and talk to? I’ve always taken care of her. Why doesn’t she see that? | ||
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You’re right; you havealways taken care of her, but now she feels like you’re trying to control her and tell her what to do all the time. Since becoming
an adolescent, she is trying hard to take care of herself and prove that she is a grown-up. Obviously, she is not an adult yet,
but she desperately wants to be. | ||
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Often, talking and opening up to parents remind teens that they are not independent yet and
that they still need you. For your kid, this may be absolutely intolerable. | ||
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In psychology, we know that the primary developmental
goal during the teen years is to develop one’s identity and to become an individual. This prepares her for adulthood. Before adolescence, a child’s identity is generally wrapped up in her connection to parents and family. So, in order to become
an individual, your teen will try to distance herself from you. After all, you represent her childhood identity of being dependent,
naïve and totally un-cool. | ||
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Okay, I understand why he’s shutting me out. But how am I supposed to get him to let me in? | ||
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Bear with
me while I tell you a little story. I recently took a trip to Central America. While touring the ancient Mayan city of
Tikal, our tour guide, Tanilo enlightened us with the wisdom of the crocodile. | ||
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Hold it, Kent! You’re not going to try and shove
some mystical woo-woo stuff down my throat, are you? | ||
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Not at all, I’m just going to relay a metaphor that can relate to parenting your
teenager. | ||
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Tanilo explained that the crocodile does not thrash about and chase his food through the swamp. Instead he waits patiently, blending into his environment, staying quiet and still, waiting for his prey to come to him. The crocodile does not waste his energy in a desperate search to find his quarry. He goes about his day stealthily floating in the water unnoticed until his prey comes right up to him. | ||
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This is the wisdom of the crocodile, to expend one’s energy efficiently and create an environment
where life can come to you. | ||
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Are you saying that I am a blood-thirsty crocodile and my teenager is a hapless spider monkey that
I am trying to devour? No! I’m not name-calling, but as far as your teen being a spider monkey… well, the way she cleans
her room might make you look twice. Here’s how the wisdom of the crocodile metaphor applies to you. Much like the
crocodile craves its prey, you as a parent | ||
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yearn for your spider monkey… I mean teenager to open up and talk to you. If you
desperately chase him down, nag at him and demand that he constantly account for his thoughts and feelings, you’re going to scare
him off from ever wanting to connect with you. Additionally, if every time he opens up to you and reveals his crazy spider
monkey thoughts, you respond by growling and snarling your displeasure (AKA giving your unwanted advice and criticism), he is going
to climb up a tree far away from you. Teens smell desperation from their parents a mile away and do their best to steer
clear of it. You can’t force your teen to spill his guts to you. What you can do is create an environment where he might
eventually feel safe to share a little more of himself with you. Using the same metaphor, what you can do is: | ||
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When and if he does, will be on his own terms, but at least you’ve prepared the environment so it won’t be so scary. | ||
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How
do I create this safe environment you speak of? | ||
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Check out some of these tips and give them a try:
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What if I try to do all these things and he still won’t open up that much? | ||
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Just because your teen doesn’t
share much of his feelings and thoughts with you, it doesn’t mean that he doesn’t trust you. Often, knowing that he can talk
to you is just as important as actually talking to you. That knowledge can create a feeling of security and safety without you
even knowing it. | ||
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So, try to manifest the wisdom of the crocodile if you can. Perhaps, your teen will eventually seek you out
if you are patient enough. | ||
| If you would like more information, please feel free to call for a complimentary phone consultation: | ||
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Kent
Toussaint, MA Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (818) 983-7728 | ||
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Remember that adolescence is a temporary mental disorder and will pass within a few years. | ||
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Copyright 2006 - 2009, Kent Toussaint, MA MFT | ||
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