Kent Toussaint, MA MFT - Tips on Teens #017

Tips on Teens #017
Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of “Get Off My Back!”

August 2008

Your teen is getting older. She’s about to start a brand new school year and is closer than ever to graduating and being an adult. She’s feeling strong, independent and she definitely feels like you are keeping her down… holding her back from all the fun and excitement that she knows she deserves.

That’s just it! My teenager thinks that he knows more than everybody else. And because of that, he’s demanding way too much freedom. How dare he?

He dares to demand more freedom because it is a normal part of adolescence. Whether he has a right to more autonomy in his life is a completely different matter.

Much like angry protesters clamoring in the streets, sometimes the government needs to take notice of their demands and find a reasonable compromise to ensure the peace. Imagine your home as a sovereign nation and you are the government. You are responsible for the wellbeing, security and prosperity of everyone within your borders.

Now let’s envision your teenager as a special interest group. He’s not necessarily as concerned with running the whole country as he is with his particular civil rights (more freedom and less interference by you).

Okay, but my teenaged political activist is still demanding way too much freedom, and she’s about to start rioting!

Well, as your political advisor, I see three courses of action… the first two will meet with disaster:

If you ignore the protester’s demands, she will riot until you notice her. By then you’ll both be so fed up that the two of you will get locked into option #2.
If you try tosilence and intimidate this dissenter with harsh criticisms and punishments, she will rebel against you. This can lead to strong resentment on both sides and the fighting will seem never-ending.
I recommend negotiations. Collaborate with this special interest group and you may find that a reasonable compromise can be found bringing peace and prosperity to the whole nation.

What? Negotiate? I don’t negotiate with terrorists!

Your teenager is not a terrorist for asking for more independence… he’s a lobbyist. That is unless you utilize one of the first two options above. If you ignore or fight these requests, your teen may feel that he has no other choice but to riot or rebel. On the other hand, if he feels like you really take the time to listen, consider his requests and work to find a realistic middle ground, you may be surprised to see this passionate extremist group (your teenager) as a loyal and fairly law abiding constituency.

“Fairly” law abiding?

Nobody’s perfect. You still need to have police enforce the laws of the land. In other words, no matter how cooperative your teen is in negotiating with you, she’s never going to be able to obey every rule all the time. She is going to test your resiliency to its very limit. This is not a knock against her character; it is simply a part of adolescence.

Let’s get back to the part about negotiating. How do I do this with my irrational teenager?

The fact that you are already aware that your teen is irrational is a plus. If you can keep remembering that, he won’t surprise you with his seemingly impossible demands.

The first step in negotiating with your teen is creating a calm environment. Find an agreed upon time when you can both approach the negotiating table calmly and focused on the present. Don’t dig up past mistakes that distract you both from the topic at hand. That will only lead to pointless arguments and slamming doors.

If your kid is asking for a freedom that seems like a big jump, listen to everything he has to say without your criticizing glare before responding.

Okay, then what do I do after I respectfully listen to her so I don’t freak out?

Let’s assume that you have a 16-year-old daughter who currently has a curfew of 10:00pm on weekends. She now sits across the kitchen table from you and says, “I don’t want a curfew anymore. After all I can drive, my friends don’t have curfews and none of us have been arrested yet so we know how to stay out of trouble.”

Take a few calming breaths before your scream. Then without fear and judgment, simply say to her, “I understand your desire to have more independence. So, what kind of responsibility can we agree upon that demonstrates you are ready for such a boost in freedom?” She’ll most likely say, “I don’t know.” Your reply might be something along the lines of, “I don’t know either. It’s a big step. Why don’t we both take some time to think of ways for you to show how much more responsibility you can realistically take on? I promise you, more responsibility will earn you more freedom.”

What? There’s no way she’ll ever earn that much freedom at sixteen!

You’re right. In the back of her mind, she knows it too. Eventually she’ll come to you with a token offering. Acknowledge her efforts by saying, “That’s a good start, but I think more may still be needed for that kind of freedom. Do you want some input or do you want to think it over some more and then get back to me?”

Eventually, she or both of you will come up with an offer of responsibility worthy of some extra freedom. Perhaps by diligently showing you her completed homework each night, daily chores done by specific times and consistently letting you know who she is with and where she is going, her curfew gets pushed to 11:00pm on weekends and she gets more internet time after her homework is completed on weekdays.

But that’s such a far cry from what she was asking for. She’ll never go for it!

You might be surprised. Often, it’s not just the extra freedom your teen wants. She is trying to test limits to see how far she can go. If you blow your cool, it just fuels her fire to keep pushing.

On an unconscious level, she may also be trying to connect with you. Having this negotiation may be a subtle way your distant teen can feel close to you without admitting it. If this negotiation process is the first time she feels treated like an adult, then you may have won a little more than either of you realizes at this time… her respect.

If you would like more information, please feel free to call for a complimentary phone consultation:

Kent Toussaint, MA

Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

HELPis@KentToussaint.com

(818) 983-7728

Remember that adolescence is a temporary mental disorder and will pass within a few years.

[back to the top]