Kent Toussaint, MA MFT - Tips on Teens #021

Tips on Teens #021
Why Teens Don’t Do
What They’re Supposed To Do

March 2009

You’ve tried over and over again to get her to clean her room, do her homework, speak more respectfully… the list goes on and on. Your teenager knows what’s expected of her, she knows the consequences for not correcting her behavior, yet she never seems to learn.

I really try to follow your advice, Kent. I try to create a structure for my kid to do his homework where he is rewarded with video game time (his passion). If he wants to be

“king of the video game universe,” all he has to do is show me his homework. Why doesn’t he just do it?

I know it boggles the mind to think of how much effort kids put into trying to get around authority. We as adults can see that it would take a fraction of the amount of energy to just do the homework instead of trying to mislead you, avoid his responsibilities and engage you in pointless arguments about how you are soooo unfair.

Unfortunately, this is all part of the learning process for how to grow up and be responsible just like you. Yes, eventually your kid will reach a stage in his life where he always acts responsibly, healthily and wisely… just like you. After all, now that you’re a responsible adult, you have the insight to always be aware of how your emotions affect you and you can always rise above your initial impulses to make sound and thoughtful choices in your life.

Yes, that’s right. I mean I generally try to make the right choices, but sometimes… wait a minute! What are you getting at?

Impulsivity and poor judgment does not end at age 18, 25, 35, 65 or 105. Human beings are strongly influenced by their emotional states. No matter how logical and rational you try to be, emotionally charged impulses still pull you in directions that you’re not always ready to face… just like a teenager. And just like your adolescent, sometimes you let your impulses get the better of you, even when you know the bitter consequences of following those very convincing human emotions of yours.

What are you talking about? Emotions? Impulses? Lack of total control? Hogwash,
I say! I have never been nor ever will be led by such base things. Just out of curiosity, what kind of emotional impulses are you referring to?

There are so many to choose from and not everyone shares the same will power struggles. What you may have a hard time dealing with, another person may have easily mastered and vice versa.

Can you give me a “for instance?”

Let’s take a very common example that affects the vast majority of American society… eating! Most of you reading this article probably struggle to fit back into that one elusive pair of skinny jeans. In fact, you even know how to actually do it. We all do. Everyone knows that less ice cream and more broccoli mixed in with a moderate amount of exercise each week gets us on the road to a flatter stomach and a slimmer waistline. But do we do it on a consistent basis? Of course not. Do you know why?

No. Why do I do that?

Because while you have the greatest of intentions to choose what is best for you long term, sometimes your will power fails you and you give in to what is really

enjoyable or convenient in the moment. Even when you know the steep cost of giving into temptations, sometimes your immediate emotional need for cheesecake gets in the way of your goal to eat more leafy greens.

Because while you have the greatest of intentions to choose what is best for you long term, sometimes your will power fails you and you give in to what is really enjoyable or convenient in the moment. Even when you know the steep cost of giving into temptations, sometimes your immediate emotional need for cheesecake gets in the way of your goal to eat more leafy greens.

What do my allegedly poor eating habits have to do with my kid’s refusal to clean her room?

It’s an analogy to help you understand that just like you, your teen probably has the highest of aspirations to clean her room or attend to any other responsibility left unfulfilled. However, when she is faced with deciding between straightening up her pig sty of a room (eating her brussel sprouts/summer squash medley) or IM-ing her friends (devouring a melty chocolate volcano cake), it is just as hard if not harder for her to make the mature adult choice.

What do you mean, “it’s harder?”

Keep in mind that the adolescent brain is not a fully developed brain. The prefrontal cortex is very immature during this time. This area of the brain controls what we call executive functioning. Qualities such as impulse control, common-sense and will power depend on the prefrontal cortex. At the risk of being redundant, I must point out again that your teen’s prefrontal cortex is very immature at this time. That means that your kid has a better excuse for slipping up with these tough choices than you do.

But it’s not my fault. I’d eat healthier if I had more time.

Now look who sounds like a teenager? If you won’t accept that kind of excuse from your teenager, why do you let yourself skate by so easily? An excuse is just that… an excuse. It doesn’t matter if it comes from a 15-year-old or a 50-year-old. The good news for you is that like teenagers, we adults also make excuses. That is because we are all human and less than perfect… just like our kids.

So what exactly am I supposed to do with this insight into human frailty in regards to raising my teenager?

Have a little more patience and a bit more empathy when your teen struggles with his impulses and decision making. He’s probably not trying to disrespect you; he’s just attempting to find immediate gratification.

When your teen tries to escape his responsibilities, it is important to enforce appropriate consequences. The more compassionate and forgiving you are when doling out those disciplinary actions, the less likely your kid will feel the need to rebel and the more likely he will eventually get it. Just try to approach him with the same compassion and forgiveness you wish you could give to yourself for scarfing down that whole jumbo basket of chili-cheese fries.

If you would like more information, please feel free to call for a complimentary phone consultation:

Kent Toussaint, MA

Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

HELPis@KentToussaint.com

(818) 983-7728

Remember that adolescence is a temporary mental disorder and will pass within a few years.

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