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Tips on Teens #022
“I Worry about You” | ||
| July 2009 | ||
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Mother Nature played a cruel joke on parents. She gave moms and dads the worry gene so they can’t help but to agonize over their kids. The older your children get, the more opportunities for danger arise and the more you torture yourself obsessing over them. By the time they’re teens, you’re a nervous wreck. If this doesn’t sound bad enough, the joke never ends… the older your teenagers get, the more you have to let go of your control. | ||
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It’s not that he is a cold and heartless individual bent upon making your life a living hell. More than likely he is too busy trying to fit in, stand out and discover who he is. This is normal teen behavior. There’s very little room in his narrow adolescent awareness to consider his emotional impact on you. From his point of view, your interventions, interruptions and interactions just get in the way of his self-discovery. | ||
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She’s a teenager, not an adult. She’s not ready
to live in the world without me staying involved and setting limits… is she? | ||
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Probably not. Very few (if any) teens are ready to live as adults. She absolutely does need you to set boundaries, even when she doesn’t agree with them. However, trying to establish those restrictions from a place of fear and panic will come across to her as an overreaction and will often backfire. This fear-based tactic will push her toward resenting you and increasingly foolish choices. | ||
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Well, at least I care. My parents
didn’t give a “hoot” about where I was or what I did. I wish that when I was a kid that I had a mom or dad like me who showed
me that they loved me and worried about me! | ||
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When you try to communicate to a teenager, “I worry about you,” it generally does not come across as, “I love you.” More often than not, that message gets interpreted by your teen as, “You’re a disappointment because you keep letting me down.” This inference by your teen can lead to unnecessary shame and self-hatred because it might convince him that he is not worthy of your love and respect. In turn, this leads to problems with self-esteem, and an “I don’t care anymore” attitude resulting in poor decision making that forces you to worry even more! | ||
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The safe-keeping of a parent’s emotions and peace of mind is often too much of a burden to bear for any teenager. Therefore if you have expectations that she will comprehend and feel your pain… get used to disappointment. | ||
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But my teen is really behaving dangerously. His actions could negatively affect his future. How am I not supposed to worry? | ||
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Nothing will stop you from worrying. In reality, the dumbest thing anyone can say to a parent of a teenager is, “don’t worry.” The more someone makes that stupid suggestion, the more kindling is thrown on the fire. | ||
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However, when you are troubled by your kid’s impulsive behavior your response to his actions should not be fueled with your anxious emotions. Whether your kid is getting caught egging cars or having unprotected sex, responding with panic and desperation will only compound your problem by forcing him into a corner to defend himself. His reactionary need to protect himself and your desire for him to recognize his rash behavior will lead to an emotional argument having very little to do with the issue at hand. | ||
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In other words, while you may think that you are locked in an argument about sneaking out in the middle of the night, the unspoken fight is really about the emotional attacks between the two of you. Since both of you will be too excited and angry to realize this, any kind of real communication will be hard to come by. Until that is dealt with, you will be hard pressed to find any remorse or accountability on his part. | ||
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So, am I supposed to be completely devoid
of emotion when I confront my 14-year-old about joyriding my car in the middle of the night? | ||
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Of course not, you are a human being. Feeling and expressing emotions are a central part of humanity. However, letting those emotions lead your parenting by the nose will limit your ability to have empathy and understanding for your impetuous teenager because you will be clouded by your own anger and disappointment. Consequently, your worrisome words may close the door on any opportunity for her to take some responsibility for her actions. | ||
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You’re right, it is. Remember, that there is no silver bullet to destroy your worry. Yet your awareness of how your anxiousness affects you and your kids will go a long way to help you maintain your tranquil, adult-like composure. Have the courage to lean on other adults whom you trust and talk it out with them. Don’t let shame or embarrassment get in the way of getting help. You may discover to your surprise that many of your peers and family members know exactly how you feel. | ||
Just remember… they’re supposed to make you worry. If they didn’t, you’d worry that they weren’t having a childhood… and you’d be right! | ||
| If you would like more information, please feel free
to call for a complimentary phone consultation: | ||
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Kent Toussaint, MA Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (818) 983-7728 | ||
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Remember that adolescence is a temporary mental disorder and will pass within a few years. | ||
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Copyright 2006 - 2009, Kent Toussaint, MA MFT | ||
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