Most likely she needs time and a safe place for her to just feel.  She wants time to process whatever teen-tragedy has taken place, time to think about her role in what happened and time to consider what to do about the whole mess.  Forcing her to fix it before she has had time to stew in her emotional crisis, robs her of the opportunity to
do this.

She’ll know you’re taking her seriously by maintaining your cool and communicating your empathy to her by saying something along the lines of, “Wow, you look really upset.  If you want to talk, I’m here for you.” Then you drive home safely without any expectation or pressure for her to take you up on your offer.  This is how you let her know that you are not judging her and that you do care. 

Some teens won’t be able to handle the silence and tension in the car and will start venting to you about their day within minutes. Others may take several hours after getting home.  If by the time you do get home, your teen hasn’t opened up, don’t worry. Just do your best to look her in the eyes, show her some compassion and let her know that if she wants to talk, you’ll be happy to listen… and then let her tearfully run off to
her room. 

But I’ll feel so helpless if I do that. I want to save her from the nightmare she is facing.

You don’t know how bad this nightmare is.  Most teen crises are not as catastrophic as they first appear.  If you don’t give her the chance to figure this out on her own then she won’t get the experience of making this discovery.  She’ll be deprived of the opportunity to learn how to assess and reassess her predicament.  Giving her some space may help her develop the appropriate coping skills needed to deal with the normal bumps-in-the-road that all humans have to face on a day-to-day basis. 

But how will I know if it’s a typical teen problem or a “real” problem?  What if she never tells me?

Well, my son told me all about the problems he had at school.  When I tried to help, he screamed at me!  Why does he reach out to me and then punish me for helping him at the same time?

Just because he let you in on his tribulations, doesn’t mean that he wants you to intervene.  It’s difficult to watch your pride-and-joy suffer and just about every parent wants to be the hero who saves the day. 

Unfortunately, the glory days of patching up a scraped knee or rescuing your kid from a scary dream are fading away.  Your child is now a teenager and needs to learn how to struggle with life more independently.  When your son shares his troubles with you, he’s not necessarily asking for you to interfere.  He more than likely needs you to be a sounding board and a source of reassurance.  You can still be that shoulder to lean on… just make sure that shoulder doesn’t dish out a bunch of unwanted advice!

It is true; some problems are too overwhelming for teenagers to handle on their own.  On the other hand, most teen problems are well within their capabilities without too much parental involvement.  Even so, your kid still won’t deal with these situations perfectly… this is a necessary evil.  Your teenager needs to have the opportunity to stumble through his problems because that’s how he’ll learn.  Your kid will grow and mature from being allowed to face the consequences from his own actions… as painful as that might be for you to endure.  

So, if I’m not supposed to be the “hero,” what am I supposed to be?